Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Adoption of Doodle...

Next year year will be so much fun!!

We were not able to get Doodle until after Christmas this year but went ahead and read the book and watched the movie. Calvin learned about what scout elves are and not to touch him or he could lose his magic. I'm looking SO forward to starting this tradition with Calvin and having fun getting Doodle into shenanigans!!


Christmas Time in the Roberts House

After a rather turbulent year both financially and emotionally, our Christmas wasn't as big as it was last year. That's ok because that is not what Christmas is all about! We have each other and three months ago I would not have thought we would be all together at come Christmas. We are though, and for that I thank Jesus!!

We were able to give a few small gifts to Calvin and a VERY sweet "Secret Santa" at our church gifted him all three things from his wish list! Also, a good friend of ours was our for real Santa and made sure we had Christmas dinner and a few extra presents. All and all, still a very good Christmas!
        Cootie!                                                            Animal puzzle


Christmas at home:



Yes, that last photo is a mattress. Granny C gave that to help complete the kids bunk bed so we could get Calvin out of ours. So thankful!! Thank you Granny C!!

XOXO, tot giggles and a selfie

P.S. I didn't forget the teen, she was out of town for the holiday πŸ˜‰

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Our Generation and Theirs

Yes, this is going to be another Teen post.

Today we had a misunderstanding over something posted on Instagram. It was one of her friends who posted what appeared to me as a cry for help. I commented and asked why she was depressed and if everything was ok at school and home. I thought I was being a responsible adult.To protect identities I will not write the exact caption, but after a discussion with the Teen; I learned she had posted song lyrics. It's popular music but I've never heard of it. The friend was apparently upset that I thought she was troubled. In my defense it was a public post. Public!

Tonight at 31 years old, I felt old. An old foogie. Who also has no idea what's popular apparently, and can't wrap my brain around why music so depressing and emo would be so popular? Ughhh, so confusing!

I got to thinking about back when I was in my teens which was the mid to late 90's of the things in our culture that parents just didn't understand. We had a song titled just that, "Parents just Don't Understand". Remember that little Will Smith tune? The 90's brought the start of the baggy/saggy look.  We had our questionable icons too; Kurt Cobain and the start of grunge, Marilyn Manson and the start of emo. Oh man, after our pastor caught wind of Marilyn Manson he preached an entire Sunday morning sermon against that character. If you liked his music you had to be underground about it because all the parents now knew what a demonistic satan worshiper he was. He was going to  hell and taking as many kids with him as he could. Don't let your teen be one of them!

Kurt and Marilyn were not everyone's cup of tea. Personally my music identity of my youth was the pop princesses. 🎢🎢"Hit me baby one more time"🎢🎢. Loved it 😍! Brittany wasn't a satan worshiper but she was slutty. None of it was our parents music. They had a different style in their generation. As does every that I sit here and think about it.

Just when I think I almost have this teen stuff figured out I realize this is still a work in progress. I just want to be the best aunt, example and caregiver I can be!

Just for fun, I wanted to show off her new BLUE hair! This is for a school fundraiser for I think the local food bank. $10 donation for the pantry gives the students a pass to have the craziest hair possible for all of December.

XOXO, tot giggles and a selfie

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Did you know...?

Yesterday the pops and I managed to get out of the house kid free. One of the perks of having a teen in the house. One of the errands on our to-do list was haircuts. We went to one of those no appointment needed chains and were patiently waiting our turns. Nothing out of the ordinary on this Saturday evening.

Then this guy walked in...

He was talking so fast and in what might have been a Cajun accent, that I couldn't understand most of what he was saying. What could be understood made no sense. He spoke of fighting with police in different cities, being on probation and a 7th degree black belt. Oh yeah, and a cousin who beat up Chuck Norris. Everyone ignored him, that is until he took a stun gun out of his pocket and discharged it in the air, laughing while doing it! Scary moment not knowing what this guy was going to do! I was so thankful the kids were not with us!!

Back to the question of  "did you know?"

I don't remember where I read it online (because I would sure give them credit if I did), but did you know you can TEXT 911? It's true! I quietly took out my phone and began texting my location and the guy's description along with what was going on.


In ten minutes or less police showed up and a few minutes later they were gone and took the rambling, bumbling, stun gun waving guy with them. Quick and efficient, and I liked it so much better than trying to get somewhere safe and whisper information into the phone. 

So if you ever find yourself in a lobby with a man and a stun gun; remember, TEXT 911! 

Isn't technology great!


Friday, November 28, 2014

The Teen and social media

Calvin is my only child and hence what this entire blog is centered around. His development, milestones and what its like parenting an infant and now toddler. Since the teen has moved in with us, she has very much become apart of our family dynamic.

And with welcoming a teen into the family dynamic, comes the teen issues. This blog will be taking some twists!

I expected the usual teen things; arguments over mini skirts and rules of dating, speckled with discussions about the wrong crowd. Oh my! My oh my!! How things have cbanged since I was a teen, and it hasn't even been that long since I was a teen. Fast changing world we live in.

The biggest issue I was just not prepared for was social media. Now, I'm familiar with the usuals; Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. There is so much more than the household names in social media. Kids these days probably have ten different ways to talk to each other and "network" with a vast pool of people. Each pool being a different flavor of people and not all those people are kids.

I'm often looking over her shoulder and shrieking "Block! Block!". The things some kids post...its shocking! I can't help but wonder are their parents or caregivers not checking on them and asking questions? Just crazy to me!

XOXO, tot giggles and lip gloss

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Mama's boo-boo and a Milestone

Was there ever a time when potty training became super important?

It became SUPER important for me on Halloween....

I fell down walking and was instantly in a lot of pain. Went to the ER and sure enough, broke my wrist! Doing anything one handed isn't easy, but especially not changing a diaper. Ok kid, time to start using that potty! It's been a task as I'm sure it is for most parents, BUT our perserverene has begun to pay off. I hope. Tonight Calvin told the teen and I "poop", I rushed him to the potty and after a few minutes he went!!! I couldn't be more proud! The teen has helped in encouraging him, he seems to pay attention to her a little better. Why listen to mom when you have a cool teen cousin right?

Xoxo and tot giggles

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Goodbye and October 15th

This past week was a rough one. For starters my aunt passed away last Sunday from strokes she had the week before. On Wednesday the 15th, her memorial was held. October 15th is also Pregancy & Infant Loss Awarenrness Day. Memorials tend to not be the easiest of days but it was memorial times two with teen tantrum and drama mixed in that caused huge delays and further problems.  The day ended with a migraine and I even forgot to light my candle that evening. Not one of my better days!!

Moving forward, as with any loss in life; remember the good times and look forward to the good times to come. Life is to be celebrated whether it was a short one trimester or a long eighty-nine years, and everything in between.

Unknown - January 2, 2011

Afton Renee Warren
July 31, 1985 - July 31, 1985

Lonnie Delena Haynes
October 1, 1925 - October 12, 2014

Life is fragile! Handle with care!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

The Tot and his Teen

For various reasons (that will remain private) my great-neice moved in with us at the beginning of the school year. Calvin could not be more over the moon! He whimpers when we drop her off at school in the morning and screams at the top of his lungs when we pick her up. Calvin loves loves loves his cousin!!

Xoxo and tot giggles

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Hurdles and surgery

During the last year Calvin has struggled and fallen behind in the speech and vocabulary department. A few months ago at a checkup our pediatrician recommended speech therapy along with a new set of tubes for his ears. We saw our new ENT in Tyler a week later along with an updated hearing test. Good news is his hearing is functioning but the old gooped up tubes were no longer working. Therefore, he wasn't hearing properly. Two weeks ago he had surgery and it was so much tougher than the tubes last year! Besides a new set of tubes, his adenoids were taken out. The first few days were tough while he recovered but he has continued to be Calvin.

Since he is under three years, Calvin is receiving speech therapy services through Early Childhood Intervention or ECI. So far for us they have been a wonderful service. He has a speech therapist that is very patient with him and me too. She is teaching me how to help Calvin along with teaching Calvin. I have had to set back from all the ideas I had accumulated from online sources if what I thought I needed to teach Calvin. Much of what I thought was wrong. My advice has become when in doubt ask a professional!

Xoxo and tot giggles

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Another catch up..

It's been way too long! I promise this time was circumstances and not just pure neglect. On July 4th, Calvin and I traveled across the forest to East Texas for a visit and ended up never coming home. I had already knew I would check out the housing scene in and around Troup. This is where the majority of daddy's family took roots years ago. After a week of searching (empty handed) I was committed! It took a month to find a house out here but we ended up just outside of Troup in Arp. Population 970...973 now to be exact. I absolutely LOVE it!!!

Five years ago when I left for Dallas I swore I'd never look back! The metropolitan life was for me, and it was for a little while. I don't regret the experience one bit and would do it all over again. A childhood dream came true, I made some really great friends and got to work in one of the largest healthcare systems in Texas and largest hospitals in Dallas. Not to mention found my hubby and had Calvin! What a great five years!

However, rent doubled, tolls tripled and I had have a child who just wants to run naked all day and roll in mud. Calvin might have been born in the city but his blood is country and it shows! Plus all the family interaction he was missing out on.

Ok, so I do make him wear clothes at least but he has all the dirt he can want.

XOXO and tot drool

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Kardashian Kids

Seriously? As if this was the last thing the world needed; one of the world's trashiest people making children's clothing. I'll admit, some of the outfits aren't so bad and look like rather traditional infant wear. However, in my two years of shopping in baby and kid stores I have never seen leather pants for babies; or baby leather anything!  Leave it to Kim K. though!! Furthermore, why would anyone dress their child in such nonsense?

The line "Kardashian Kids" is sold exclusively by Babies R Us just in case in one was wondering. Below are some of the "leatherette" outfits mentioned above:


Ok, so maybe the orange dress is kinda cute minus the leatherette diaper cover. I'm not really anyone important, just another random internet mommy blogger but in my opinion these outfits are just miniature replicas of  slutty adult clothing. Now don't get my wrong, I'm not bashing anyone who owns or owned leather pants, and leather pants don't have to be slutty. Some are and some are not depending on style. I was 18, 19 and 20 once and had some crazy things in my closet including a pair of purple pleather pants. Pleather! Remember that stuff in the early 2000's?

How long have we (as a society) been talking about the sexualization of children? The "Too Much Too Soon" talks? Gosh, I remember hearing about them since my teen years so at least...fifteen years. Yet here we are in 2014 digressing instead of progressing. With the perverts and predators we KNOW are out there in this current day and age why would anyone dress their child in this type of clothing and make them a target? It baffles my brain. The Kardashian girls have all come out at some point talking about how each of them got into "too much too soon" as teens; so I'm really surprised Kim would make anything that is the slightest bit provocative for babies and kids.

Well, now that I have bashed Kim K and her sleazy kid clothes all I can....

Rant over.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Story of Chicken-Wing

Originally posted on my previous blog 1/2/2012

One year ago today...=(

So it's one year today that I lost Chicken-wing. I've been trying to distract myself with Facebook, working out, TV; I just can't forget. Those memories are forever burned into my brain. The pain..confusion..helplessness..the blood, so much blood. I'm still haunted at the thought of dropping it into the toilet like a goldfish no one cared about. I wish it had never happened, I hope and pray it NEVER happens again. Maybe I would feel different right now if I was already pregnant but I'm not and I don't. There are no happy memories to replace the bad. I wish I had my baby in my arms but it's not here...I still feel helpless right now.

In case anyone is wondering why I named it "Chicken-wing" it is because I lost too early to know a gender and I didn't want to it to be nameless as if I didn't care or already love it. About half way through December I began to insanely crave hot wings and nachos. Everyday I either wanted nachos from Race Trac or I wanted Wing Stop, Hooters or Will's famous hot wings. I couldn't get enough! 

After some thinking, I decided that "Baby Chicken-wing" was a little cuter than "Baby Nacho" Chicken-wing it was.

Tomorrow is a new day but tonight I had to get this out of my system

Jan 2, 2011....11 AM

I woke up spotting, I was several days late for my period and I had been nauseous and drained like I had never felt before that whole week. The thought had ran through my head the day know, "the thought".

"Nah, not possible, I was using Nuvaring. Besides I had just started my period, so that answers that question." Every time I went to the bathroom I checked my tampon string for moisture. Dry as a bone every time. "Ok, this is a light one this month, well the less I use means the less I gotta buy lol." Sounded good to me.

7:30 PM....

Will had been gone about an hour, he was working 7P - 7A at the time. I was sitting on the couch watching TV and these bad cramps started but simmered down and my back started aching out of nowhere. 

"Wow, this is shaping up to be a pain of a period for one that started so easy this morning."

In the midst of this up and down pain in my abdomen and back,  I started to feel damp..then wet. I moved my blanket and there was blood pooling in my jammy pants that went down past my thighs. I jumped up, it hurt to move the cramps suddenly got worse..I could feel blood trickling down my legs. There was a huge blood spot on the couch. 

"WTH?? I've never had such a bad period!"

I pulled my pants down fast as I could in the bathroom, grabbed some toilet paper and started to pull the tampon out...behind it came a HUGE lump of tissue, it fell into my was the size of my hand. I held it for a moment..stared at it.

"What is this?" Wait...wait, could it..NO NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!" This is just a very bad period."

Pain was horrible, I could feel blood gushing out of me into the toilet. I prayed. I dropped the lump into the toilet and began thinking of the mess I needed to clean. I cleaned myself, stuck in a new tampon which was now excruciating to do. Put on new jammies and began to wonder what was going to clean up all this blood on the couch. 

I texted Will and asked if he thought the pet foam cleaner would clean up blood too? He replied "I don't know and why do you need to clean blood"? Cuz, I started gushing blood for no's all over the couch and I'm hurting really bad." He called and asked what happened..I told him..."SHIT I THINK YOU ARE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE!" I began to cry, "I've got to clean before it stains, I'll call you later". 

I scrubbed till I felt like I had it all. I felt dirty all the sudden and got in the shower. I was still passing chunks in the shower and the cramps were nothing I'd ever felt. I sat down in the shower and turned the heat all the way up. When the chunks got a little smaller I decided I needed to get out. I redressed and got on the laptop and Googled "signs of miscarriage"....everything seem to match up. I took a pain pill (luckily I had some left over from surgery few months prior) and called Will and told him I agreed with him and what was still coming out of me. We decided I needed to see my GYN the next day, ER if no appointment was available.

January 3, 2011...2PM

I gave a urine sample for the nurse to do a pregnancy test. The nurse did the dip stick while I was telling my story to Dr. Alexander; she looked up and said I have a result, it's coming up positive. An overwhelming wave of sadness hit me, this is not how your first positive pregnancy test is suppose to happen. Dr. Alexander examined me, pulled some stuff out that was caught in my cervix and diagnosed the miscarriage. It took almost three months to fully clear the miscarriage. 

The History of The Ginger Project and Flashback from the Past

I started blogging in late 2011 when we were TTC (trying to conceive) and going through infertility investigation. That blog morphed into a beast that was my postpartum depression. Looking back through the retroscope there were things I said that never should have been on the internet, not even in a limited audience but I felt like I had no where else to turn at the time. This post is going to be a cut and paste of a nutshell of that past as I've closed that page.

If you or anyone you know needs help with PPD please seek help. I know finding the right provider can be challenging, trust me been there done that!! Here is a wonderful online source: Postpartum Progress or their web address

Get ready for time warp......

December 19, 2011

So today's appointment didn't yield the best of news. Dr. Hampton doesn't believe I'm ovulating at all considering the weird spikes of LH Surge, short cycles and lack of follicles or cysts that mature into follicles and hang around just as cysts. He mentioned he suspects I don't have high enough hormone levels to take me through a normal cycle; which is what's preventing the process or starting it without being able to finish it. What I've been thinking are "periods" are really just break through bleeding. He did start me on Clomid today, did blood work and a sono (I swear I have NEVER been probed so much in my life!)..which showed nothing growing. He also sending me for a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) which is a test that will shoot dye into my uterus and tubes to see if their is blockage; he said he suspects they may be blockage caused by scar tissue from surgery I had in 2003 to remove a cyst. It's scheduled for Friday and I'm really scared and nervous what's it's going to show. Dr. said something must be open because SOMETHING got me pregnant last year but need to know what we're dealing with either way.

December 23, 2011

Well..its over but it wasn't as traumatizing as I anticipated. Not fun but wasn't the worst thing I've ever been through. BUT great news is there is NO BLOCKAGE!!!! Just wait and see what clomid does for me!


As I sit here watching a crackling fire on this lovely Christmas Eve I can't help but feel the sadness of what could have been. I totally know it's not healthy to dwell on the coulda, woulda, shoulda's but I just cant help it.

Our baby (Baby Chicken-wing) would've been 3 mos old, wearing a "My First Christmas" onesie and laying in my arms watching the fire with me. Instead I sit here alone with empty arms and I just wanna cry. It's getting harder and harder to "stay positive". I wanted to be pregnant by at least Christmas..but nothing.

I do appreciate everything I have in life but my heart aches..

First go round...finished 12/23/11

So this first try wasn't bad at all. I was SO scared of all the side effects I'd heard about but I seem to be rather unaffected. A little bit of woozyiness first thing in the morning but it passes soon enough. I also had these odd stomach cramps on and off and it sometimes hurt to eat but not so bad that I couldn't tolerate it. 

Now the horrid waiting game.......haven't hit a positive OPK yet

Good news at today's appointment...kinda?

Moving on, today's probing..I mean sonogram (cycle day 12) showed TWO fat and healthy follicles growing on my right ovary. Which means IF they both mature and release we have a good shot at twins this cycle!!!! We aren't trying for multiples on purpose by any means but what happens happens is how we look at it. We knew it was a possibility going into this process.

So, despite this sore throat and headache I'm signing off to hopefully get a jump start on our "homework" for the week...

What a "Positive" way to start 2012!!

So new year's day 2012....after waking up with a slight hang over from a NYE wedding last night I barely remembered to grab my pee cup to do my usual morning test. Will was brushing his teeth  and grabbed a OPK stick out of the cabinet for me (yes, this happens once you've been married for a while) and says "wouldn't it be funny if we made  a baby on new year's day?". I shrugged my shoulders and rolled the one eye I had open, considering my string of negative OPK I wasn't real optimistic to be honest. I think we both looked over at the test at the same time and clapped (like retarded seals) at what we saw....

Fingers crossed and prayers said for a 2012 baby! A little bit of sunshine considering one year tomorrow is when I lost Chicken-wing and started the year off in such a dark place.

So...Got the results

and..................................................I OVULATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My nurse said that progesterone level of 8 is considered "good" and mine was a 14.8!!!!!! Well above the threshold of "good". She also said the higher the level the better chance of conception and I have a good shot at being pregnant this cycle. Period is due on Friday so I'm down for the count!

Saying a prayer and fingers crossed

Another "positive" beginning to 2012

So my period is due on Friday, I told myself to avoid any disappointments I will wait till Saturday to test if no period shows.

However my OCD took over around midnight...I wasn't dipping the HPT stick with any high hope..I know better by now, but at the same time I just couldn't help it. I did my dip then hopped in the tub to shave my legs. I was just getting a good lather on one get when I looked over at the test next to me at the edge of the tub.....and......

.....surprised..shocked...fear..surprise...more can't get excited yet..but still excited. 

I never knew I could experience so many emotions in 10 seconds. I washed the shave cream off my leg and jumped out of the tub with legs still wet. Grabbed my phone, ran back to the bathroom and started taking a pictures just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I took a breath, got back in the tub to shave my legs and began to think how I was gonna tell Will in an hour. 

I was thawing fish for dinner; I'll tell him "I can't eat fish with you tonight because pregnant women shouldn't eat it". Yea, that sounds good. Unfortunately I gave it away on Facebook when he made a comment on my 
"I hate the cold" status....
"I hate it too when you sweat me out of the house and I cant' sleep when I'm hot" was his comment. 
I commented back "yea, well I have reasons to be extra bundled now"
Will: "why's that?"
Me: "hurry home and you'll find out"

He was at wal mart picking up a few thing I had forgotten, he got home about 15 mins later and asked me what was up. I told him the fish was thawed but that I couldn't eat with him tonight because I heard pregnant women shouldn't eat it (yea, I stuck with my line lol). Will says "Yea I know, you've been moody all week and I just figured out the comment" Dangit! Well I tried lol.

So we got over the first hurdle ..we got our BIG FABULOUS POSITIVE after only one cycle of Clomid! Operation Clomid ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!

First "preggo" moment.

I used to hear about "preggo" moments but always thought it was total excuse for doing ditzy things and getting away with them.

Well...I'm eating my words now, because one of these very "moments" tonight at Kroger. Something totally disconnected upstairs!

I get to the self check out lane and after hitting the "Begin" button was then prompted to "please scan your Kroger rewards card".  I have one of those key chain card things. I reached in my purse for my keys and for some reason unknown to me I pointed my car door clicker at the screen and started pressing! After the 3rd hit I realized what I was doing, I immediately thought "OMG I hope no one saw that". I glanced over the crowd and everyone else seemed to be into their own self check outs----that's when I realized the guy monitoring the self check out was staring at me with his mouth hanging open! Clearly he just witnessed this moment of absent mindedness. After a few minutes of fiddling with the buttons, because it seems I had forgotten to operate a self checkout all together the employee guy walks over and pushes a few buttons for me and says "I help you ma'm, I help you" He stayed close by while I paid and after taking me a moment to find the receipt I looked the machine over for anything else that might pop out. The employee says "you got it, you all done". He walked back to his post as I walk past him towards the exit door he says "Have a good night mam'm, it'll be ok"

It'll be ok?? Wow, I must have looked pretty dumb for the check out guy to have that much pity on me LOL!

You know you're pregnant when....

you wear jogging pants and Ugg house slippers to a bar...cuz you just wanna be comfortable!

I was really OK with this until I had to go to the bathroom 10 minutes later where there were saloon girls still getting ready. They were tightening each other bustier's and comparing who's boobs were pumped up the most.....all while I was popping a Gas-X pill out of the blister pack and noticing my bloated tummy in the mirror, not to mention I was trying to hold back a massive burp.

I felt so out of place and began to feel I didn't belong here anymore. It was a weird feeling..I felt ugly standing next to these ladies.

The bar maids looked at me funny when I refused jello shots, they were like "really, you don't want one? But..they're cherry!" That's nice honey, I love cherry jello shots, they are awesome really but I can't because I'm pregnant. The first one had the AUDACITY to reach out and rub my tummy..she's lucky she didn't get punched. The second one just gave me a second weird look and walked away. A look that said "so, you're pregnant and at a bar?" Good question actually, but this was Will and his co-workers thing and I'm a supportive wife.
Uggghhh.....clearly, life is changing already!

Introducing......."Little Monster"!!!!


My "Dear John" letter to the chickens of the world

Dear chickens of the world:

I love to eat you; baked, grilled, rotisserie...MMMMM, you're just so yummy! However, the Monster living in my womb really doesn't like you; I mean really DOES NOT like you and thoroughly punishes me when I devour you. Run chickens, run free, thrive and prosper..multiply while you have a 6 month break from me eating you!

Little behind....

9 Weeks 0 Days

So considering I'm 11 wks, 4 days as of today I'm a few weeks behind. This sono was taken on February 16, 2012. Dr. said "kiddo looks fantastic". Words that were music to my ears!!

After working so hard to get pregnant and wanting nothing more than to be pregnant, it has really hit me like a Mac Truck! Grueling nausea, constant diarrhea, horrid headaches, dizzy spells. UGHHHH! At my last appointment my Dr. said I needed more..MORE fluids. I drink a lot as is and trying to dump a little more in me has been a challenge but I'm doing my best and those pains have improved some. 

Oh the woes....

I've been terrible with updates lately...opps, sorry.

We're now 13 wks and 6 days, almost to the 2nd trimester. It's said that this is the trimester of smooth sailing, when all the nausea disappears and the fatigue fades. BS! Ok, so I'm not 100% to the mark but I keep getting told "oh, you'll start feeling a little better by weeks 10 - 12"..I'M NOT! I'm really worrying this is going to carry through the whole pregnancy.

At my last appointment last week I think I thoroughly expressed my unhappiness with 24/7 sickness. The diarrhea that had disappeared with cutting all chicken returned with a fury. Nothing helped anything, I also started getting stomach cramps and horrid acid. I felt like I was just full of acid in my tummy and it was going to explode at any minute. I was waking up several times a night in pain and hugging the trash can.

Dr. Hampton gave me three different anti-nausea meds to control things. Reglan and Zofran rotated during the day ever 6 hours and Phenergan at bedtime to help me sleep through the night with no nausea. Well, always there's a catch 22. The combo works but knocks me the heck out! I wanna sleep most of the day, of course this is not realistic but it's still hard. I've missed two appointments this week and one of those was the genetic screening sono that I thought was at 18 weeks. It's had me depressed all week, I really wanted to see another sono.

Positive note though...did hear the heartbeat on the doppler and it was in the 170's!

I know this is going to sound counter-productive after trying to hard to get here..but I feel worn out already from this pregnancy. Worn out and washed up, if I'm not sicker than a dog I'm drugged out to prevent the sickness. I just want to crawl in a hole till this is all over with, I'm tired ...just so tired. I DO want our baby, but this part is just awful.

Breaking news..


Not really breaking news I guess; we've known for about three weeks and most everyone knows. We found out on April 19th; had a little scare that sent me to L&D and in the process of checking everything out. Everything was perfect, it was just a reaction to some anti-biotics that made me really sick. Other than some light spotting last week progress has been great. I'm still sick and nauseous but the meds help along with motion sickness pills. I never would have thought that would help but I'm glad the Dr. suggested it.

Almost in the final lap...

I'm currently 27 weeks and 2 days. The last week of the second trimester. Getting this far was only a dream this time last year. Even though pregnancy was turning into something other than what I had imagined early on, this little boy keeps us guessing. The movements and kicks are not what I had thought what they'd feel like or when they would happen. He kicks because he doesn't like the waist band of my pants...and kicks mean at that. He kicks means to music he doesn't like or wiggles and bounces to music he does. He seems to reject hip/hop music but likes Taylor Swift, George Strait and Brooks & Dunn. My little cowboy =). 
He is still very particular in what he allows me to eat. I still have to be careful with I put in or risk vomiting and diarrhea. 

We had a good scare last week as I was again having kidney stone pains that went on for days. After calling my Dr's office to see if I should come in and was told to go to L&D where they could run labs and monitor to make sure the pain wasn't pre-term labor. I'll admit....I was stubborn for two days and held out until the pain just got beyond miserable.

So on Wednesday 6/14/12 I left work two hours early and checked into L&D. They strapped me to the fetal monitor (which Calvin hates BTW) and waited on orders from my Dr. I don't remember how much time lapsed but after maybe an hour of being there Will had just arrived and said Dr. Richards was outside and if I had seen him. I said no but he must be here for someone else because I wasn't in serious condition or anything. He walked in a few minutes later and asked a roll call of questions about where pain was, how bad ect.  He ordered some labs to check for infection and other stuff I don't remember. I figured I would be home within two hours at this point.

Finally the nurse told me Calvin's heart rate was going through dips and the Dr would be in in a few to see for himself. He came in and looked through the strip and explained some dips are normal and they will be seen if you monitor someone long enough but it kept happening and I was going to be kept for observation; if his heart rate didn't stabilize they would have to a c-section that night. He ordered more labs, the ones already performed didn't confirm or deny anything. No stone, no infection; nothing was clear. I was given a steroid shot to help his lungs mature in the worst case scenario.

Thankfully he did stabilize but it was a night of worrying. I had a sonogram the next morning to check to make sure everything with baby, uterus, placenta and cervix was as it should be.....and it was. They kept till late afternoon to do a final monitor and give the second round of steroid. I was never so happy to be home!! 

A few days later a lab culture came back showing I had a UTI which I started medicine for that day and a kidney sonogram the next day. They saw nothing on the kidney sonogram so all that had been found was the infection. I'm almost done with medicine and hope it clears everything up. It's been a rough 2 weeks!

Keep growing Calvin <3!!

The count down till Calvin's arrival begins...

38 weeks & 5 days....

Wow, I've been so horrible with updates. Since our little scare in June things have been mostly normal or as normal as they can be for me. The nausea and sickness has never left and as I feared stuck with me the entire pregnancy. Although, over time I have learned to fine tune what foods and what times of day set things off into a spiral. Paying attention to these patterns helped ease things a bit and whittle down my Zofran, Reglan and Phenergan usage. I still start the morning off with Zofran and end with Phenergan but that's usually it on a good day. Rather than multiple Zofran and Reglans during the day and the strong stuff (Phenergan) at bedtime. Health wise though; all is good with Calvin and no more other scares!

I really never had a noticeable "bump"; only people who knew me really noticed it. Most people just thought I was eating too many Twinkies or I was just fat. When somehow babies or pregnancy came up in conversation with strangers they'd look me up and down and assume I was a month or two less than what I was; followed by the infamous (not to mention annoying) question "where are you hiding it"?...or "where are you keeping it"?. Considering this usually was a scene played out at work I was forced to be polite. All I could say "well he's in there somewhere" when I really wanted to say "I keep him in my shoe next to my lucky's warm down there and he likes it quite a lot". Finally at 35 weeks I rounded out and pooched out a little more and people actually knew I was pregnant.

I'm tired and exhausted beyond all belief! Not just because I'm pregnant and in the final stages; but because among all things about to happen Will broke his ankle and leg two weeks ago. The ankle brake is the worst  of the injury but the leg brake while minor doesn't help the situation any. He was playing softball and slid into second base and well..Snap Crackle Pop I guess. He's already had two surgeries and has the 3rd and final on Thursday. What a time to be "full term" and could pop at any moment right? Well, this is how Calvin's final countdown began; after thinking and discussing it we agreed that going the planned induction route is better for us to safely get to hospital, arrange help ect in our predicament. I had a rather natural route planned but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches. Making sure Will is there and present is more important than anything....we started this journey together...we're going to FINISH it together!!!!

So; Will has surgery Thursday and sometime Friday he'll be discharged. Only to turn around and check me in Friday night to start induction and sometime Saturday 9/15/12 Calvin Bain Roberts will be here!!!!!!

It's been a long journey and as much as I've been pleading for it to be over...I can't believe it's almost over! There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel and oh BOY I can't wait!!!

See you soon Calvin!

Welcome to the world Calvin Bain Roberts

9/15/2012...9:58PM....7lbs 4 oz..20 3/4 inches

So picking up where I left off in the last blog...Will was having his final surgery on Thursday 9/13/12 and being discharged the next day and then coming back to check me in that night for induction. 

He was released at around noon; we got got home and he rested while I ran out doing some last minute laundry and other nesting. Put the final touches on Calvin's room which Will actually helped with putting a shelf; he was so determined to get a jump on Daddy Duty. We left home around 7pm. We waddled and hobbled down the staircase, carefully got Will in the car with his new cast on and off we went..realizing the next time we came home we would no longer be alone. There would be a little person in the car seat in the back. 

             Last preggo pic; 9/14/12 L&D room 12..and Will's cast lol

We got to the hospital, got checked in, bags unloaded in the L&D room. Then came hooking me up to everything; wasn't fond of this but I went along until actual labor came. I had a birth plan detailing all my wishes and continuous monitoring wasn't one of them. I got the first dose of Cytotec for cervix ripening around 10pm and the waiting began. Will slept and rested his leg while I played on my phone and laptop and watched my usual late night shows. At midnight I had the TV turned off and I went to sleep. At 2am came the second dose of Cytotec. I think it was around 2:30 or maybe 3am I woke up in awful pain, the contractions had began. I was determined to go as long as I could before asking for drugs. I had planned for that to be a very long ways off, not until hard labor was beginning. I had to go to the bathroom around 3:30am; sitting on the toilet actually helped ease the pain. I thought while I was in there I'd try squatting over the toilet since there was a handicap/potty bar there to hold onto. It helped ease most of the pain, I was very happy I had researched this. My success however was short lived. I was in the middle of focusing on the tile and trying to not think about the pain while squatting when my focus is broken by a ...

<knock knock knock> Ms. Roberts, are you in there? What are you doing?

It was my nurse who noticed I had been unhooked from the monitor for more than a few minutes.

Me: Yes, I had to go to the bathroom

Nurse: Is everything ok? You've been in there a long time.

Me: I'm fine; I'm using the bathroom and I think I'm doing more than tinkle

Nurse: if it's not coming then just go later when you're ready to go, I need you back on the monitor, it's been too long.


Nurse: I need you back on the monitor; I'll wait here for you. 

SHEESE! My kindergarten teacher didn't supervise me this much in the bathroom! The pain was really starting to hit me and I didn't plan to be continuously monitored from this point on. My birth plan had not been discussed yet and I was fixing to enact it. I gave up in the bathroom though and was prepared to ask for a yoga ball since she didn't want me in the bathroom. I walked out and sure enough she was by the bed waiting for me. I asked how long I had to be hooked back up before I could get up again. Her response was "you have need to be hooked up at all times; if you need to go to the bathroom just call me and I'll come and help you.". I shook my head and told her I wanted intermittent monitor not continuous and I want a ball. Her response disappointed me.."we have to continuous monitor your baby with the drugs being used for labor, you need to stay in bed as much as possible and on the monitor. Intermittent monitoring isn't an option with induction." It was at this moment I realized my birth plan just went out the window. There was no point in digging it out of my bag; it wasn't going to be accommodated. I made one last comment out of frustration and anger of "no one told me I HAD TO be hooked like this!!". The nurse simply said I'm sorry as she was hooking me back up.

It was right at 4am now after she got me hooked back up. I suddenly felt something wet between my legs. Did I just pee on myself? I just went to the bathroom. I told her I feel wet and I'm not controlling it. She checked me down there and sure enough my water just broke. This was a good sign to me and I had hopes this would all be over in eight hours or less. 

At 4:30am pain became almost unbearable for me. I hit the nurse call button and screamed for drugs! Nurse came in and asked me what I wanted (IV or epidural), I was explicit about NO epidural! She came back with a shot of Demerol and all was great in my world for the time being. I was still not dilated yet. I had a long way to go. I fell asleep after the shot and slept peacefully for about two hours. Just before 6:30am I wake up in some un-holy pain, pain that took my breath away and made me scream foul language. I scrambled for the nurse call button again and screamed for more pain medicine. She came in and said it had been just slightly less than two hours since the last dose and I needed to wait a little longer. She offered to summon the anesthesiologist even though I had said I didn't want one it would be better for baby than narcotics because I was barely dilated to a one. NO I yelled; just bring me another shot!! She left and came back with what I thought was my drugs, instead behind her walked in the anesthesiologist. WTF? was what ran through my head, the nurse leaned over me and explained who he was and he would explain how he could better help me. I again yelled NO! NO! I said NO!, nothing in my spine! The Dr still briefly explained what he does and asked me if it was just a fear of needles as that's common. I explained I'd had major spine surgery two years ago and am still left with some damage that I deal with and wanted to take no chances with any further damage with the wrong slip of a needle. He seemed a little unhappy at my suggestion that mistakes could be made but said he understood and if I changed my mind he needed to get started quick because his shift was ending. I was in tears, frustrated and felt backed into a corner. Will was also advising to take the epidural as it would be best for me for long term pain management and best for Calvin. I just laid there crying and howling in pain..everyone had left the room by now; although the nurse did return a few minutes later with my shot. I asked her if she could just call Dr. Richards (a.k.a Dr. Hampton) and just ask him if he'll just do a c-section and get this over with. She told me that would just be a waste of time as that's not how the process works and there was nothing medically going on such as fetal distress to call the Dr. I knew at this point any birth plan I had was absolutely completely out the window and I was so over this "process". 

As I laid there in all this pain I began to think of a way out. I began to think that I just wanted to go home and that this was a big mistake and I wished I wasn't there. I thought to myself..I'll just pull all these straps off, demand this IV taken out, load up our bags and go home and wait for natural labor to start. I was sure this was my plan..however looking around at the monitor and Will on the other side of the bed I knew that wasn't going to happen; he wouldn't let me do something that risky to myself or our baby.

It felt like the Demerol didn't work as fast this time and after having thought about it for a few minutes I said "get the epidural guy". The nurse summoned him and he came in in a rush; time was ticking on his shift. The room got very bright very fast and I was still very scared about this. A new nurse also came into the room; the one taking over the day shift alongside the nurse I'd had all night. They sat me up fast; I was in the middle of a contraction; I was in a lot of pain and the way they were asking me to sit was aggravating my pre-existing hip/leg pain. The Dr. began working very fast and stuck a needle in my back; the shot that numbs you before the actual epidural is inserted. That just escalated my pain level and I began to scream with all I had and shaking and was struggling to not move so he could do his job. The new nurse began yelling at me to "calm down and I need to pull it together so this would be over with" I yelled back 'I'M TRYING!" I began scanning the room for Will..I wanted to hold his hand during this not this bitchy nurse I'd didn't know and I realized he had been removed during this procedure. I'd never even heard him be asked to leave or I'd demanded otherwise. When I thought this was half way to almost over the Dr says "this is a really big scar you have back here, what kind of surgery did you have again?" I tried to explain the best I could in the state I was in and during my explanation he says "I'm going to have to re-numb you higher up" to avoid this scar or hardware. We were starting over and I began to spiral again, the nurse wasn't helping any. The second shot seemed worse than the first and I was wondering if it was even work "higher up" but I was running out of fight. Another minute or two and it was all over; as awful as it was having this thing put in, once it was done relief came over my body. The nurse helped me get situated back in bed and she began to get a little nicer at this point, at about this same time she alerted me I was having another contraction. I didn't feel a thing and I was content with that. They dimmed the lights again, let Will back in and all returned to normal. Once all was normal I asked for more ice chips and saw Dr. Hampton walk in, he had came to check me and the monitor to see how far I was. I was still dilated between a one and two and Calvin wasn't fully engaged in my pelvis, I was so exhausted at this point and the pain medicine was starting to catch up with me. I don't remember the whole conversation but I remember saying something along the lines of "I have an epidural in....this wasn't what I wanted". He just told me I had made the right choice for our baby, this would be much better for him than an all day of narcotics because I had at least another 12 hours in front of me. I remember leaning up as much as I could and shrieking "12 HOURS..AT LEAST?" and he nodded his head. I just let my head hit the pillow and closed my eyes. Maybe I would just wake up pushing a baby out. 

Sleeping did help pass the time. I was removed from the world and social media for the most part during this whole process. I did have some friends who were driving in from Tyler, friends I had worked with at Cash Retriever (Clara and Kaye), Clara had helped me move to Dallas in 2009 and was someone I had come to confide in sorta like an adopted mom during my last year in Tyler. For those who don't know my own Mom passed away in 2004.  I had texted her a few times and she told me she was leaving Tyler (a two hour drive at least) sometime after 3pm. After the rough morning I was looking forward to seeing familiar faces. The nurse came in periodically to check my progress as did Dr. Hampton a few times. I wasn't dilating very much over time. I continued to sleep; I woke up periodically to look at the clock. At some point a co-worker ("Ms. V" who was working that day came in to see how things were going and was also kind enough to bring Will lunch as she knew of his accident and limited mobility. Clara and Kaye finally got there I think sometime after 7pm. I was very happy to see them. Shortly after they got there, Dr. Hampton came in and did the next to last check and I was still stuck at barely 4cm. I was distraught! I'm sure he knew it too; he began to explain all the facts together, my uterus wasn't holding a consistent contraction pattern (or something like that), Calvin's heart rate was dipping and wasn't engaging, it had been nearly 18 hours. C-section would be an option in a few hours. He continued with he's an advocate for vaginal birth if that's what I wanted as long as things didn't dip dangerously low he'd let me go into tomorrow morning if I wanted to. I looked at him and vigorously shook my head and said no, no, no, I don't want to do that, get this over with I'm so over this. He said he'd give things two more hours to see if progress picked up for me if not then we'd prep for a c-section. I said that sounded good to me at this point! Clara and Kaye had both had c-sections so they knew what I was probably going to experience. We passed the time talking about where we worked now and what our jobs were and such. The two hours passed quickly; I was happy they were there. Dr. Hampton came back to check me, I had made no progress. Again the conversation is blurry to me but I think he asked along the lines of if I was sure I didn't want to try longer for vaginal birth. I do remember saying "No, get him out and get this over with, there is no point waiting till he is dangerously in distress" Will didn't like that idea either and felt this was the best option too. Dr. Hampton said ... ok, see you in the OR in about 20 minutes or so.

Things began to move very quickly; the nurse came who happen to be the same nurse as last night and the current anesthesiologist came in to get move medicine pumped into me to numb me for surgery. It felt so weird to be that numb but I wasn't scared at this point; relieved actually that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Before they rolled me out to the OR we all stopped to pray. Will was getting his scrubs on and Clara and Kaye would be staying in the L&D room as only one person is allowed in the OR. Luckily a nurse had found a pair of super sized scrub pants to fit over Will's cast so he could come in and be close. The OR staff got me moved from the bed to the table and there were a bunch of people gathering around and assisting with this and that. I'm not even sure what they were all for; I heard Will's crutches hobbling in the room and they got him a chair to sit next to me in. The blue curtain went up and the anesthesiologist turned more medicine on and I became so numb it became hard to breath; they put oxygen on me and that helped. People were in their places at this point I began to feel a lot of pressure and tugging .. unexplained massive amounts of pressure. I knew the cutting had began; I was starting to feel groggy. I closed my eyes during this time I was a little scared being awake now, I knew I was being cut into. It lasted longer than I thought, the pressure and tugging got worse and all I can remember saying was "this feels weird" over and over with an "ouch" here and there. I remember the blue curtain was moving and shaking at times and that kinda concerned me but no one was saying anything was wrong. Finally the pressure stopped.....all the movement stopped....and a tiny little cry filled the room. Will said "do you hear that momma, do you hear him crying"? Will was starting to cry. I was tearing up too and said yes I do hear it! But why did he stop why isn't he crying?? In another second the crying resumed and my water works came on and so did Will's. I saw my Dr's face peep over the curtain and he said "congratulations and this was a very good decision because this kid was stuck and he wasn't coming out any other way, it's why he wasn't engaging, he couldn't because you're too narrow". We were just happy he was here regardless of the method but whew, I was glad I wasn't brave enough to go another twelve hours just to end the same way. Will was invited around the curtain to put his first diaper on and take pictures. After they did the initial checks on Calvin he was brought over to me to see and hold. They had to get me back to my bed so Calvin was given to Will while they transfer me then they put him back in my arms and Will was sent back to our room to wait for us. 

It was so surreal to have Calvin in my arms! I can't even describe or explain what it felt like to look at his little face and see who had made me so sick all those months and kicked me relentlessly. I was really out of it and as much as I didn't want to let him go I just wanted to rest. He got plenty of love from Papa, Clara and Kaye while I was coming off all the epidural medicine. Shortly after we were back in the L&D room some new friends of Will's (Jaylene and Mr. West) came and dropped off some dinner after our very long day and a gift for Calvin. We weren't there very long before they had a room upstairs for us and off we went to settle in to room 521. Clara and Kaye left shortly after getting upstairs as they had a very long drive back to Tyler. Jaylene and Mr. West stayed for a little bit as it was I think nearly midnight by this time. I was in a lot of pain but wanted nothing more than to snuggle Calvin; while I was still recovering he was in the nursery getting cleaned up. I somehow managed to stay awake till they brought him in. We did skin to skin and tried to get him to latch to breastfeed. He wasn't really having it and everyone was really out of it and exhausted  I just held him till 4am when I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. 

Dreams came true and the world was perfect!!! 

To anyone reading this who is still struggling with infertility or grieving after a loss or both....Don't give up! Your Rainbow is there waiting for you somewhere over the horizon!!! 

4 weeks of joy .... or something like that?

It's hard to believe Calvin is a month old now. It's true what they say about time flying by so quick. Thinking back to this time last year I was desperate for a positive pregnancy test. I had dreams of how things would go and plans for all kinds of things like 4D sonograms, beautiful baby bumps and maternity photos then topped off by a normal birth with my baby in my arms. Like the scenes from the movies. I should have known better to expect anything but I wanted.

I have a baby that won't breastfeed and could care less about it. I wonder if he even loves me or has a bond with me sometimes. I can't help but want to blame the c-section for that. I no where near got a birth experience I had envisioned. Ugh..birth. Most every woman describes birthing their children as the happiest moments in their lives. Sadly, it's a bitter moment for me. Looking back, the whole process pisses me off a little more each time I think about it. Choosing induction was the absolute worse mistake I could have made in this whole journey. No one respected anything about my birth plan and I never even experienced one thing about labor delivery except for a few hours of contractions that weren't even real, just drug induced that felt nothing like a natural contraction would have in early labor. I suppose that's basically where everything went down hill. It was just like all the stories I had read on the internet about births gone wrong

My Dr. had said he was stuck in my pelvis and he wouldn't have came out any other way; but I at least wanted to try and birth him to eliminate any doubt I couldn't do it. I didn't get that, instead I got an epidural I didn't want, a miserable overall experience and a c-section that led to me not even getting to see my child born and him being passed around to 50 strangers before I got to see or hold him. Yea, I didn't appreciate that!

I know I'm blessed with a healthy baby. I'm glad that I have such a blessing, but something just isn't connecting. I don't know how to really address it, I can only hope it'll pass with time.

Rant over.

4 weeks of joy...or something like that - Part 2

So I changed my mind about my rant being over...this is my blog and I can do that.

Moving on....I came across this article today and can't say how close to home it felt; particularly this paragraph:

"My longtime concern, however, is that we have not widened the global health conversation to include the mental well being of the mother and her offspring. If a mother isn't thriving psychologically, her baby experiences the ramifications. Consequently, the child may not have the opportunity to form a solid foundation of relational attachment, trust, or emotional connectivity. The mental health of the mother invariably impacts the family, the community, and culture at large."
(full article)

I feel that Calvin is feeling my stress with everything going on; he gets so inconsolable at times. Today was one of those days. Yes, I'm aware babies will sometimes cry for no reason but this is just a different kind of cry. Like a desperate tone of cry, he wants to be clingy but can't get comfortable. I try to show him affection, sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't; perhaps my attempts are half assed and just motions I'm going through. I look at his little face and I don't want to feel this way; I really connected with him at one point despite even struggling since practically when he was born. I wonder what happened and when but I can't put my finger on it??

I was at Wal Mart today and I was getting in my car to leave I noticed a very pregnant girl in my rear view mirror. As much as I hated being pregnant for a moment I wished I was back in her shoes ... no I do not want another baby right now..I wanted a do over with this baby. I didn't miss being pregnant; if I could just get that last week I would do things very different. I looked down at my belly that is no more and realized my baby was in the back seat. There isn't anything I can do about it now.

I really hate this.

Babies, Keebler Elves, and cookies

I've come to a realization that I being a new mom is kinda like being a Keebler Elf...all the time spent running around crazy and slamming into each other to make sure the cookies are baked, packaged and on the truck outside the tree house in time for delivery. Only doing various chores is baking the cookies and the baby waking up is like the delivery truck pulling away from the tree house without the cookies on it.

...remember this next time you pick up one of those delicious package of cookies; or see a frazzled mom in line at the grocery store with a fussing baby. It's stressful, have some sympathy instead of acting annoyed. If you don't want to hear a crying baby then offer to give her a hand unloading her items so she can keep that bottle in the baby's mouth or perhaps instead of being a rude ass and cutting her off in the check out line let her go in front you so her time in the store is not prolonged and then you can check out in peace once she is gone. This isn't a cocktail bar, she's not here for a good time and she's not shopping for milk, chicken and potatoes because she had nothing else better to do today. Not everyone has family next door that can help.
So remember that....cookies and babies don't come easy. Give us a break!

6 Weeks Postpartum Checkup..

...and speaking of postpartum; I'm now on medication for PPD.

Everything else checked out A-OK, except the topic of Baby Blues. I didn't spew all my bitterness but I put my feelings about the birth in a nutshell and kept it short and sweet. He assured me he was confident Calvin wasn't coming out any other way other than c-section and said even though he's a huge advocate for vaginal birth sometimes things just don't go the way we plan them but try to provide the best outcome possible.  Nice, but doesn't change anything. At least he's for VBAC should I change my mind about Calvin being an only child. Dr did disclose to me that my pelvis is narrow and believes I would have a small chance at vaginal birth but is for at least giving it a shot. He put me on a medicine called Pristiq; well I say "he put me on", but it was my choice to take it or not. I've never taken an antidepressant but I'll try it to get out of this rut.


Tonight there was a brief conversation between Will and I about a statement made to us about blaming my Dr for handling Calvin's delivery wrong which he thought was a dumb statement. I assured him this person was talking about all staff as a whole not just my Dr but yes she was correct, it was handled wrong. I'll spare you the rest of our argument that really went nowhere but as I was changing a wee hour diaper

Now for the epiphany.....are you ready for it

Birth doesn't affect babies. How can it? They don't remember it. The transfer of feelings and emotions from mom to child is what affects the child as mom is the only one who remembers anything from that day.

BOOM. Why did it take me so long to piece this together? Now I feel like a loser for holding onto bitterness  of what I felt like should have been and placing blame where it should have never been. I blame myself for enough but I wanted to spread blame around too. While there are some things that certainly could have been better planned and handled it's considered a lesson learned. Not pinned up negative feelings. Calvin is starting to smile at me and makes consistent and constant eye contact. Maybe he feels the burden lifted from him too.

I'm still choosing to blur out and black out his birth overall; I choose to remember it as one day going to the hospital and a few days later we got back int he car and went home with a baby. Everything in the middle is the blur. I still don't know how to cope with that but I can say that telling a woman things like "get over it" or "so what if XYZ happened, you still got a baby" is the absolute wrong thing to say to her. She's dealing with enough inside of her head without being made to feel crazy or over dramatic. It may seem like no big deal to some but her feelings are very real to her.

I don't have all the answers yet and I may never have them. I'm choosing to move ahead to the future and change negative behaviors now before it's too late.

Peace out.....

To tie or not to tie?? ... That is the question.

Just was is it that we are tying up? Tubes. Fallopian tubes. Mine. Yes, you read that right.

Ok, not actually tying but you get what's been on my mind. Permanent birth control. I had planned on getting Mirena IUD to take care of things for 5 years and then assess how we feel then.

These last few days the thought of electing for the Essure device and procedure (non-surgical tubal ligation) has crept into my brain.  Pay for birth control once and quite kidding around with the thought ever having more children. A part of me thinks I'll never quite 100% get over birth...errr..or the day Calvin was removed from my body rather. It's been nearly three months and it's still a hard topic to think about or discuss. I'm not holding the grudge anymore but it's like one of those "forgive but can't forget" type things. You can stitch up a wound but scar tissue will still be left behind. I'm still working through this PPD. Pristiq has brought me balance and blogging has been my therapy.

I went back to work this week. I was dreading the day it came but I have dealt ok with it. I miss Calvin terribly  but I'm kinda embarrassed to say it's been a little therapeutic. Work has kept my mind busy with things other than breast pumps and c-section scars. All I think about all day besides my duties is getting home to Little Man and when I get home I go straight to him and cuddle then start our evening routine. Going back to work has really made me focus more on Calvin and made everything about him rather than the past.

'm not sure what to do. Maybe it's too soon to make this kind of decision?  How does one they are sure, and I mean FOR SURE when the "right time" is? Should this decision even be made while in PPD?

I like answers not more questions and I only seem to be getting more questions. I wish there was an answer book.

This very tired momma is signing out and going to bed.

One year ago today...


As I sit here watching a crackling fire on this lovely Christmas Eve I can't help but feel the sadness of what could have been. I totally know it's not healthy to dwell on the coulda, woulda, shoulda's but I just cant help it.

Our baby (Baby Chicken-wing) would've been 3 mos old, wearing a "My First Christmas" onesie and laying in my arms watching the fire with me. Instead I sit here alone with empty arms and I just wanna cry. It's getting harder and harder to "stay positive". I wanted to be pregnant by at least Christmas..but nothing.

I do appreciate everything I have in life but my heart aches..

Fast forward to to December 24th, 2012--pictures are better than a 1000 words

Oh the difference a year can make!!! Keep looking up for your Rainbows!


Natural caesarean..OB's should be paying attention!

I'm loving this new website and their ideas. At the point and time when it was decided it was time for a c-section for me I asked my OB "will you leave the curtain down so I can still things..don't worry about me getting sick at the sight of my insides because I have no interest in looking at them. Just tell me when he's coming out and that's all I care about." I got a response of "ummm..ehh..we'll see". I had hope. Upon being rolled in into the OR people just did what they wanted to and had no regard for me at all. Only how to get me in and out as fast as possible. The infamous awful blue curtain went up and and everything went downhill. It was clear I was not important to anyone in that room. In-n-Out Burger is really great but not so much when it comes to birth of any kind.

Was my idea that crazy? Apparently not! I'd never heard of the midwife until I watched this video but I'd say she is on the cutting edge of where nature meets medical necessity or when things go sour. After getting my medical records and researching all the big words I am more convinced than ever my c-section was not necessary  It was an already bad situation that turned as sour as it could get; but that's a different blog. I believe now if medical personnel had been listening and more caring and interested in my complete well being I might have been left a little less scared, traumatized and depressed. Who knows? I would have appreciated at least being given the chance instead of ran through the medical mill.

The video is about twenty minutes long but it's worth the time to watch!

One day at a time...

That's how I have been taking things....just one day at a time. The medicine I was on helped in the beginning but tapered off to only work marginally  Also, it was a little pricey and a little pricey is too much to only work marginally. I really wasn't interested in continuing anti-depressants, any anti-depressant regardless of price if I'm still going to feel deep down the way I do. I've decided to accept the new me, good or bad, this is the new me. I don't need to be medicated. Pointless.

I've looked into counseling but keep hitting brick walls. Either they are not familiar with PPD, they do not accept insurance and run a cash only practice or they are not in my insurance network and would cost the same amount as the cash only providers. I'm tired of searching and calling people. I give up, I just give up on everything. The old me isn't coming back. Nothing can be changed or un-done at this point. No one is sorry and no one cares; my ordeal is insignificant to the rest of the world.

Calvin has become such a happy baby despite getting me for a mother. Sometimes I think he might be better off if I left him on a stranger's doorstep. It's not fair he's stuck with this version of me; it wasn't what I wanted for him. I put the best front I can on for his sake. I worry constantly about screwing him up. All I can do is my best; which right now isn't very good but it's all I can do.

Mommies on Meds

So not all my posts are originals. Sometimes I come across articles or other blogs that spark thoughts or give idea or sometimes it's just something I can relate to. 

This article grazed the newsfeed of my FB this week. isn't exactly the most scientific web site out there by any means but I must admit I learned about moms taking Valium in the 1960's via the lyrics by The Rolling Stones. "Mother's Little Helper" was released in 1966. 
Mother needs something today to calm her down
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day"

"Kids are different today, I hear ev'ry mother say
And though she's not really ill, there's a little yellow pill

Considering I wasn't even thought of back then and all I have to go on are history books and personal accounts from those who were alive...I can only imagine how taboo of a subject this was back then. The women's lib movement was just beginning and still at that point being a wife and mother was all most women knew. They wanted something more than being stuck in a house with screaming kids all day.  They were just supposed to be happy they weren't the old maid on the block, but they weren't and they were reaching for those little yellow pills The Rolling Stones sang about. 
Fast forward forty plus years to 2013; have we really progressed? Us women of the millennium have it all thanks to the work of our fore mothers and perhaps grandmothers. Education, careers galore, empowerment, purses and shoes bought with our own bank accounts and designer strollers to push our pretty babies in.  Yet, we are still depressed. Still depressed after all this progression. We reach for our Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin,....our Pristiq.
Why? Why? and Why??????  
We have everything they wanted and yet we are not happy with ourselves as women and mothers and fall back on our "mommy meds". This realization is so incredible and such a phenomenon to me! How can anyone deny PPD isn't real when women of very different eras and decades are struggling to cope? 

Bottom line is it is real and can happen to anyone. Sometimes there might be a reason that can be identified such as a difficult delivery, failure at breastfeeding or a combo of several things. These aren't always the case for some women though, sometimes it just happens randomly out of the blue. Those hormones sure can make us crazy!
Regardless if it can be pin pointed or not some mommies need help. A clear and level headed mommy is the most important thing a child can have and the most important thing a child needs! 
More important than even breast milk...STOP THE PRESSES...yes I said it!!!!

Lion King 1 1/2

...and you thought this was going to be a Disney story didn't you?

Not quite, but there is a connection. The beginning part where Timon and Pumba are sitting in the dark theater and the back and forth about what they are about to watch and their banter ends with "this is the story before the story" or something like that. Here is the movie clip; it was the best one I could find. Skip to 3:00 minute mark...

..and this is the story before my birth story..

I had known Will had a softball game on this evening for a few days. This was a city league and he was a part of his fire department's team. On the previous Sunday night I asked him to hang the shelf in the baby's room. It was the last part of nesting I couldn't complete myself. Couldn't do it Monday or Tuesday nights because he was putting in time at the department and Wednesday was the game so he promised he would do it Thursday. I was 36 1/2 weeks pregnant at this time. I had hopes he wouldn't go to the game, I  wanted that shelf hung.

August 29, 2012
roughly 7:30pm-ish--
I am still at work and don't get off until 8:30pm. Will calls me and tells me he's going to the game and after trying to talk me into coming to watch and getting sharply declined he says go ahead and cook whatever I want and he will eat when he gets home maybe around 11pm. Says don't wait for him to eat or wait up for him if I'm not up for it. I'm nearly 37 weeks pregnant during one of the hottest summers on record and I'm still working full time and plan to until my water breaks. I'm pretty pooped these days! I moan and groan and mentally roll my eyes, I huff and puff and say ok, don't drag things out, head home as soon as things are over. He replies "don't worry Redhead (that's my nickname) I will."
My shift ended at 8:30pm and I was wiped. I waddled as fast as I could out the door and out of the building. I had a smooth drive home this evening and I was dying for a shower. I got home around 9pm, threw dinner into a sink of hot water to thaw and went straight for the shower. 45 minutes later I climbed out and went to the living room where I plopped myself down on the sofa. I picked up my phone to see if there were any missed calls or texts from Will hopefully saying the other team fore fitted and he would be home early.
I had ten missed calls and one voice mail. I listened to the voice mail and to my shock the message played something like "Mindy this is pissing me off that you're not answering! I broke my ankle and I'm in the ambulance and we're headed to Presby! Meet us there if you don't get this message soon"!
I deleted the message. I sat there. I started thinking. Broke ankle? Playing softball? Broke ankle? I'm nine months pregnant! Broke ankle! Noooo, this has to be a joke to set me into labor. This has to be a joke! I took a deep breath and called him and got no answer. I waited a moment and tried again. This time I got him. He answered with
"Where have you been!! Did you listen to the message?? Are you on your way??"
Uhh, ummmm, yea I listened to it; you broke your ankle? I'm stilling thinking this must be a joke.
Yes, I'm in the ambulance we're almost to Presby Dallas are you on your way?
I was in the shower when you called the ten times, I'm sitting here in a towel but I'm getting dressed quick and I'm headed out the door. Love you bye.
I crawled off the couch, waddled to the bedroom and threw on a t-shirt and loose athletic pants that still fit. I made sure the cats had food, I completely forgot about dinner in the sink and grabbed my water cup. I had a feeling this was going to be a long night. I sped down the tollway back to the hospital. I work at this hospital by the way, so I had just left there at 8:30. I tried to keep calm but my mind was racing.
Ok, so this is definitely not a joke but it might just be a bad sprain. Yea, it's probably just a bad sprain. We'll be home with an ice pack after some x-rays by 3am. It's just going to be a sprain. Wait, what ambulance is he in? The City of Parker didn't run their own ambulance, that service they contract out to a private company. Where they playing another fire department, did they have their equipment on display out there? No, Will didn't say who they were playing against. Did they call 911? No, a handful of paramedics on scene would not call 911 for a bad sprain.
I pulled into the hospital and into my usual employee parking area. This is a pretty huge hospital and employee parking is the furthest garage from anything. Luckily it's not so far from the back end of the ER and the ambulance bay. I short cut and took the ambulance bay entrance so I wouldn't have to walk all the way to the main ER entrance which is at the top of a steep hill. I looked around to see what ambulances where there. The contract company his department uses wasn't there, but I saw Allen F.D. MICU parked. The ball park they were at is in Allen city limits. That meant that 911 was called. Again, I began this internal conversation with myself to assure myself this couldn't be that bad.
The caption or chief called 911 for liability reasons. Yea, liability reasons. This has to just be a very badly sprained ankle.
I proceeded to the nearest nurses station to the door. I asked the lady at the desk if she could look up my husband and I gave his name. I was sure he was going to be on the other side of the ER where they treat less severe patients. Instead I hear....
William Roberts is just right in that room  (pointing right across from her desk) and he's waiting on you.
I stand there for a second and look to her right. She's pointing to a trauma bay. I ask: he's right in that one?
Yes, right in that room
The trauma room? Trauma 5?
Yes that room, trauma 5..right there. You can go in.
Oh, thank you.
I stood there for second. Trauma room. He's in a trauma room. Holy sh**. What was I fixing to walk in and see..............................nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next.

FYI, "Presby Dallas" is slang for Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas.


OH F***! Yeah, that thing was broken and who knows what else!!! It stopped me in my tracks and it was hard to look at. It made me nauseous to look at. He heard me walk in and was reaching out for me. I had to turn my head as I walked by, I thought I was going to throw up for a second. There was a nurse darting in and out of the room. They were hooking him up to monitors, the ER Dr. had not yet come in yet.. The nurse gave him a shot of dilaudid and let us know the Dr was coming and they had a death in process in the room across the hall so they would be running back and forth. All we could do was nod our heads. After the nurse left the room Will broke down and began to cry. I mean cried like a baby...

Why! Why! Why! I was supposed to be getting a new job,  I just got my paramedic license last week!! You're about to pop! I don't know what happened, I was sliding and then I heard a snap!

Don't worry about all that right now, right now we just have to let them figure out what's going on and go from there.

Around this time the Dr came in and said the xray machine was on the way but it was obvious he was going to have to set his foot back in the right place. There was mention there might be a break else where in the leg due to pain he was having in other places. Will made sure to inform him that he was a paramedic and he knew what was going on; to which the Dr replied "oh, that means you're going to be a horrible patient lol". He  hit the nail on the head! The xray machine came and I had to leave the room. I knew the girl who was taking the xray; she had made CD's for me for patient requests a few times. She asked me how far along I was now; almost anytime now I told her. There were other people entering the room at this time for stand by "just in case". The Dr. was going to reset after the first images were taken.  She told me not to worry.  What I heard over the next few minutes was beyond awful and unbearable. The screams that came from that room were indescribable  The closest I can get to a comparison is from the book of Revelation in the Bible where it speaks of "the pits of hell will open and weeping and gnashing of teeth will be heard". Twice the ER Dr tried to set his foot and it wouldn't budge. They pumped all kinds of drugs into him trying to knock him out and he was awake through it all, the screams made that pretty obvious. He gave up after the second try. They xray girl walked past me in the hallway and whispered "I can't actually tell you a diagnoses, that will have to come from the radiologist but it's pretty clear that his leg is fractured too and there are multiple breaks". I sat there speechless. I mumbled thank you. She wished us good luck.

I was allowed back in the room and Will's eyes were blood shot and tears were running down his face. He was loopy and going in and out. He kept talking about the drugs they gave him and the dosages. I just kept telling him that that was good he knew. I didn't know what else to say. The ER Dr came back in and said a surgeon was on his way and there was nothing more he could do. About five minutes later in came the surgeon, Dr. Casas. He was on top of things; he already knew what was going on what had been done. Will felt the need to give him the run down of drugs and doses he had been given and that he had been awake the whole time. He said he had to first get the foot re-set and there was indeed a fracture the the fibula bone and multiple breaks within the ankle. It was at this point I lost it and began screaming YOU CAN'T DO WHAT THE OTHER GUY JUST DID. IT DIDN'T WORK!! THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE, CAN'T YOU KNOCK HIM OUT ALL THE WAY! Dr. Casas quickly responded with "there is nothing else that can be done in this room, I'll call OR right now and start prepping for you, it will take about 20-30 minutes to get ready for surgery. I don't know if I can do this without cutting you open or not but I'll do my best. The prepping began, soon after the call came to roll him to OR. We prayed. Off we went.

We parted ways in the OR and I went to the waiting room. I called my department and let them know I wouldn't be there for a few days. Then I just sat there not knowing what to do. My phone was nearly dead so I went upstairs to the guest computers and updated everyone on Facebook what was going on. I got cozy back in the waiting room. About 45 minutes later Dr. Casas came down the hallway. I was surprised it was so quick.  He sat and talked with me about what he did, what to expect over the next few days. My biggest worry was my nearing due date.

I asked him what happens if my water breaks tomorrow and began telling him about my husband/coach assisted natural birth plan.

He shook his head no and said that it was not happening with his injury.

Then what do I do? I asked.

You need to call your OB in the morning and let him know what was going on.  Who is your OB?

Hampton Richards

I'm familiar with him, his dad delivered one of my kids. Good people, you're in good hands. They'll know what to do. Will will be in a room in just a little while.

Finally at 3 am Will was settled into a room and I could finally lay down. Finally this day was over.

August 30, 2012

After not a lot of rest the day was beginning whether I liked it or not. The adrenaline was leaving Will's body and immense pain was setting in. Dr. Casas and his assistant came in to check on the swelling and instruct him how his leg needed to be elevated. I asked the big what if question...

Remember I could pop anytime, what do we do if my water breaks tonight? Can he be in a wheel chair?

Not for a long time, a wheel chair won't provide high enough elevation and if it's not high enough the leg will swell excessively. He's a very high risk for blood clots right now.

Ok, so then they will just roll him and this whole bed over to L&D with me?

I don't think there is enough room but that will be up to the L&D staff. You really need call your OB today. You might want to think about scheduling something. You're in good hands with them. One of the Richard's right?

Yes, Hampton, the son and yeah I'm going to call today and see what they say.

I then tried to rest between helping Will. After the morning traffic calmed down I headed home to pack bags. Calvin's bag was already packed and mine was partially packed. I packed things for Will and gathered up our laptops, phone chargers and so forth. I guess fatigue and hormones were getting to me because every time I thought about what happened the night before I cried. I cried as I folded and packed clothes. I cried as I showered. I cried every time I thought about how I heard Will screaming in the ER. I did some laundry and rested at home while I had the chance. When I couldn't fall completely asleep I moved to the couch and I made the call to Dr. Hampton's office. I got through the automated prompter and to the nurse's voice mail. I had done this a dozen times in the last eight months; I knew the process quite well. I left my name, date of birth, phone number...then came the tears again. I held my breath for a second to try and control myself; "please just call me" was all I could get out before I lost it and I hung up.

It was late afternoon by the time I got done with laundry and had the car loaded and was headed back to the hospital. I was a few blocks from the hospital when the call came from my dr's office. Sometimes other nurses return phone calls for each other and I was hoping today was not one of them. I wanted the people I knew.  It was thankfully the familiar voice of his nurse Delana....

I answered hello...

This is Delana with Dr. Richard's office, what's going on Amanda?

....pure craziness came out of my mouth...

I'm so sorry about the abrupt message, I'm just so overwhelmed and emotional. The worst thing happened at the worse time last night. Will was playing softball and slid into a base and his ankle dislocated sideways and broke in several places and it was such a bad impact it broke is leg too. He had surgery last night to re-set it but they can't do anything else until swelling goes down and we don't know when the second surgery will be. He will need some pins in it or something; I've heard so much lingo tossed around in the last twelve hours I barely know what's going on.

I honestly don't remember her next response except that it was something about a certain type of surgery or surgical pins or something about swelling being normal...or something like that?

Yeah, that sounds familiar with what his Dr was telling us; it's all just so much right now. I'm really worried about what we will do when I go into labor. We don't have any family here to help, it just us except for some church friends.

Definitely DO NOT drive yourself in labor to the hospital, call 911 if you have to if there is no one available to help you at the time. Be keeping a close eye on signs and just know that labor and especially a first labor will take an average of 12 hours and even more for some, so you will have time to call people. If you have contractions 5 minutes a part or less just call 911. Don't hesitate to use that service.

Is calling 911 my only option? Will's Dr. suggested that we schedule something to cut a lot of worry out and said a c-section would be easiest on Will as opposed to ten or twenty hours of labor and risk him trying to move around and too much swelling will occur.

No, not this early. He can not take the baby out this early without medical indication. This is something you will need to discuss with him at your next appointment but there is no way we can schedule you for anything in the next few days.

My next appointment is tuesday but I was told he had no openings so they put me in the new Dr. I would rather see Dr. Richards now.

Oh, she knows the regulations as well and will be able to discuss options with you. Hang in there and call us if anything starts happening.

I will. Thanks.

I had been at the hospital for most of the conversation and was circling the buildings. Now I had the task of unloading all our stuff and I had quite a long walk. Thankfully the parking guys allowed me to park at the front door and go get a cart to unload everything on. Everything total took about thirty minutes but I was finally able to get settled back into Will's room and tried to get some rest. I told Will there was nothing we could do for me till several more weeks. We would just have to wait and see.

Friday morning rolled around and two night of sleeping on the built in couch/bed cushion in the room was very uncomfortable. I was barely coherent when Dr. Casas's and his PA came blowing through the door with scissors in hand and before an explanation was given he was cutting bandages, throwing ACE wraps and fluff all over the room and ripping into Will's cast. He mumbled something "compartment syndrome" and he was showing signs of it. After he examined his leg he said he didn't think he had "the syndrome" but they would be on the watch out for it. I still didn't fully understand what it was or what Will had complained about that set off such alarms but it definitely a little too much for this pregnant lady at 7:30AM.

in case you were curious ....

Friday continued to be a long day. A lot of in and out from nurses and PCT's. Physical therapy came in the morning and he didn't do so well. It was very excruciating for him to move. The day dragged on. It was a lot of up and down for me helping him with moving stuff, getting stuff he needed. I was tired. I went home in the afternoon to go feed the cats and eat something at home and bring back some snacks. I didn't want to go back but I dragged myself back.

Saturday morning came and the stand in doctor who was a very young resident came in and said he looked like Will be be going home and he would need to see Dr. Casas in his office in a few days. We protested, we yelled, we pleaded, we begged...PLEASE do not send us home!! Will told him how he could barely walk on crutches or with a walker due to the level of pain and walking up stairs was out of the question. We both made it clear we lived in a second story apartment with a steep stair case. Will told him of how I was nine months pregnant and could pop at any time and I COULD NOT  help him, carry him or catch him if he tumbled down the staircase. It was a lot of fighting but we got clearance to stay all weekend so that would give him more time to work on physical therapy. Will had started sitting in a recliner friday afternoon with help. Today he was learning how to roll himself in a wheelchair and properly prop his leg in it. This would be a crucial skill should I go into labor. He needed to learn this anyway but it was really crucial in our situation. Anytime he was out of bed I was in his bed. These last few days were beyond exhausting for me at this stage and it was showing. Will took the photo of me and posted it to Facebook without me ever knowing; that is until I saw myself and my huge butt on Facebook.

Saturday night I went to the bathroom and I had bunch of mucous and discharge in my panties. It was gross. When I wiped there was blood. It took a ton of wiping to clean up all the mucous; I gave up and got a wash rag and fresh panties. It was the bloody show ... labor would be here soon. I told NO ONE so I would not be scaring anyone. Nor did I want the nurses to know so they would be rushing me off to the L&D. If I was going into labor I wanted to keep us together as long as possible. Nothing happened through the night though. I had no real or steady contractions the rest of the night or through Sunday.

Monday was Labor the holiday Labor Day, and Dr. Casas was taking the day off but the resident Doctor made the daily round again. He informed us that Will's swelling had reduced enough to proceed with the second surgery to stabilize his leg but it would not be the final surgery. There would still be a third and final surgery as a last fix with pins and screws. There was just too many broken bones and swelling to fix it in only one surgery. Until they were stabilized he would have little mobility and without mobility he would not be able to go home and just staying in the hospital was not on option as far as insurance was concerned. Will would be in a device called an external fixator. No real or steady contractions.

Tuesday morning Will was taken to the OR and the fixator was placed. Dr. Casas came out and talked to me and explained that it was a very light device which would help him gain mobility but watching the swelling was still very important. I told him I would do my best to keep after him. Still no real or steady contractions.

CT scan images of Will's leg before fixator.

The fixator.

Wednesday he was finally able to walk on crutches and get up and down stairs well enough to go home. We were super happy. Several couples from our Sunday school class helped us get home. It took two guys helping Will up the stairs but he made it!  We couldn't have done it without them! I still had no real or steady contractions. I was glad because I was wore out after all this but it was sure glad to be out of the hospital!

I went back to work the next day. I made sure Will had everything he needed within reach and he was able to hop around the apartment when needed. I needed to work and salvage as much PTO as I could for maternity leave before Calvin arrived. I wouldn't be back for long. On friday we both had doctor appointments; Will was having a follow up to check on his swelling and see when and if he was ready for the final surgery and I was having my weekly OB check up. I had switched my appointment to my own Dr.

Will's appointment was first. It was murder on a pregnant me lifting his wheel chair in and out of the car. I was hating life. I was miserable and in pain. When the Dr. Casas looked at his leg he decided he would be ready for the last surgery next Thursday but that date was flexible if "something" were to happen. Dr. Casas asked if "that" was scheduled yet. I replied not yet but we are on our way to see my Doctor to talk about "that". The surgery was setup before we left the office. Thursday, September 13th.  Off we went.

My OB appointments were at the hospital and luckily the security department will come and help patients and guests when called, which meant I didn't have to lift the wheelchair again. The guy who showed up knew me from the lobby where I worked. Not only did he help with the wheelchair but he wheeled Will to my dr's office too on the 2nd floor. It was a huge help! I was beyond tired. When I was called back the nurses were intrigued with the gear on Will's foot and in amazement at the photos from the accident. I was starting to wonder if this was my appointment? A few minutes later my Dr. walked in and the first thing he said was "I don't want to see the pictures, I overheard enough! Orthopedic trauma churns my stomach."

I never knew it was possible to gross out a doctor. The next thing he said was ...

Is there anything we can do to help you out?

Yeah! Get this baby out!!

Next came a drawn out speech about criteria for insurance approve and the hospital had to ok...and ended with and would have to wait to closer to 40 weeks. Which was fine with me normally as I has planned a natural labor and desired no augmentation. Normally that is. We were trying to avoid chaos of spontaneous labor, as much as I had wanted that. It was such a process to move Will around, I was barely coping now. I didn't know how I would do it with contractions and leaking waters.

I had asked to be checked, I was dying to know how close I was to labor or even if I was in early labor and just didn't know it yet. I had continuously had what I perceived as Braxton Hicks and also the bloody show. Maybe things were finally kicking in. Wrong, wrong, wrong, I was 75% effaced (thinned out) but my cervix was completely closed. Harder than a rock. GGRRRR!!!

He did the normal measuring and doppler checks. As he was doing those the gears in my brain were turning. I had searched various inductions methods. There was more than one way to skin a cat. I began to throw suggestions out there. I didn't really want a full out induction. Just a jump start so we could put friends who would help us on alert and have some sort of time frame.

So as you know I like to Google....

Yea, a lot of my patient do....

I looked into other ways of inducing. Why do you just strip my membranes.

I would do that right now but you have to be dilated for it and you're not.

What about prolactin gel? You just rub it on the cervix right?

That's something you have to be in the hospital for, not something I can do in the office.

Will chimes in with "I think a c-section is best because of your back and it's easiest. That's just what I think though".

Well, I guess I am out of luck. What kind of pattern do we need to be looking for so we know when to start getting him moved around. Neither of us wants him to miss the birth. Sure, I can call an ambulance but what if no one can come and get him in time? It's one of our worries.

I'll have a chat with the head perinatologist and see if he will approve something given some of your history with your back, your family history with shoulder dystocia. It only happens in about 1 in 400-450 but you are very petite.

Let's just say approval was given for a c-section. I do NOT want an epidural, will you just put me to sleep if I'm requesting it?

Not preferably, if we knock you out we are knocking baby out too which also means I have to operate faster and I like to be able to take my time.

Well, nothing seems to be in my favor.

Let's just see what the perinatologist says and we'll let you know something next week.

Our day was done and I called out of work for the rest of the day. Between pushing a 200 lbs husband around in a wheel chair and carrying another human around inside of me there was just nothing left for me to give. There wasn't enough of me to go around. I went home to relax over the weekend; kinda sorta. Will was worried about money so he decided to go to work against Dr's orders. Which meant I had to drive him and be up at 6 am and pick him up when he was off; and lift his wheelchair in and out of the SUV. I was not a happy camper about this. I ended up letting him drive himself on Sunday as bad of an idea as it was. I couldn't do this anymore.

Sunday afternoon I got a call from my dr's office, yes on a Sunday! Had something to do with the secretary making up time or something? She told me she had a note to call me and let me know they they had approved an induction and I could come and check in tomorrow night or tuesday night and get things started. Tomorrow or tuesday!!?? Wow, I was not even expecting to hear yes. This was suddenly overwhelming. I asked what would be the process. She let me know that she couldn't answer any medical questions but the plan was i would get Cytotec upon check in and Pitocin would be started sometime the next morning. WHOA! That was not the type of induction I has asked for and I had read very bad things about Cytotec. It stood out in my mind. I told her I would talk with my husband and call back tomorrow. When Will got home I let him know the options. We both agreed to wait till after his surgery since it was just a few days away and I was going to do some more reading and ask some questions about this drug. I already knew Pitocin was bad stuff and made natural birth nearly impossible. I wondered if Dr. Hampton heard a word I said???

On monday I searched, read and thought and searched some more. I didn't like what I was reading at all. As a little over dramatized as I felt the documentary "Pregnant in America" was, the drug had even been mentioned there. Very scary story. I called the office and left a message. I did not hear back until wednesday and to my surprise Dr. Hampton called me himself. I questioned what I had read about Cytotec and I asked for Cervadil instead as it was acutally approved for induction and was said to be safer. His speech began...

The difference between Cytotec and Cervadil is about $200 and Cervadil doesn't work nearly as well.

Ok, so...Cervadil is still safter if we're going to induce this way.

There have been newer studies to show it's safe and the hospital has done their own studies and it's shown to be safe.

This isn't what I wanted and this wouldn't be a happening conversation if it wasn't for this accident. It's easier for everyone else to schedule this but this isn't what I wanted.

Well, we can just wait for you to go into labor.

That was my plan but that's running into the same problems that led to this discussion we're having now. What else is there?

As those words left my mouth I looked over at my super drugged out husband in bed who was waking up from pain and whimpering at the slightest movements. What could he do for me if my water broke right now where I stood. Not a damn thing. The next thing I heard was..

I can schedule you for friday night. Do you want that?

Yes, go ahead and schedule me please. I don't know what else to do.

Ok, see then.

I gave up. I didn't know what else to do. After work that evening I started packing backs Will's last surgery was tomorrow.

We checked in at 5am because that's was we were told at Will's appointment last friday. After about two hours of him being in his pre-surgery room one of the nurses came in and asked if there was anything they could get us as it was going to be a while before he went down. We asked what a while was? His surgery was for 7am and it's that time now. Are they behind an hour? The nurse replied that he wasn't on the schedule until 2pm but yes they were already a little behind. 2PM?!?! WHAT?! I drug my pregnant butt out of bed at 4am for nothing?? I was so made at the surgery scheduler I seriously thought about driving down the road to Dr. Casas's office and strangling her! Since we were going to have a long wait I asked if there was a recliner around that I could snag. It took the nurse a minute to realize she knew me but once she did she was happy to see what she could do. I was very friendly with this unit as I used to pick up their charts everyday and once I had also been a patient on the floor for a kidney stone that was blasted out. I was on a first name basis with the unit secretary who had stopped to see me every few days after I stopped doing pickups around week 15 and was placed on light duty in the lobby desk. Let's just say we knew each other.

She and the head nurse came back after a few minutes and said there wasn't a recliner in sight but they were just going to move my husband to a semi-private room so I could have the second bed that was empty. I was elated! It's good to have friend in places sometimes!!

The day drug on but finally around 2pm they came and got Will for surgery. We sat in a holding bay in surgery for probably around 45 minutes. Finally he was rolled away, we said our good byes and he told me not to let my water break while he was in surgery. He poked my belly and told Calvin to be good. I went off to the waiting room. I think it was about an hour later I was told surgery was done and Dr. Casas would be around to talk to me. He explained what he did and he put him in a plaster cast instead of fiberglass to slow him down. I asked what his limitations would be and he told me the same. He still had a very long way to go with this injury. Dr. Casas asked if there was a date for baby yet. I informed him tomorrow night and we'd almost not even be leaving since Will was being held overnight. He wished us good luck.

Will was in a room in about another hour. We settled in for the night. He was discharged at 12:30pm the next day which was friday. We went home and got some rest and I did some last minute cleaning too. At 7pm we headed back out the door to go check me in to L&D.

....the story picks up here........
(refer to "Welcome to the World Calvin Bain Roberts)

It's been a while....

My last post was about the pre-story. I haven't written a real update in few months. Been too busy to sit down and write.

Now moving forward...that's all I've tried to do for nine months is move forward. I've made progress and the thickest of the fog has lifted. I still have bad days and rough weeks where I feel like I'm in a dark hole but now that Calvin is old enough now he picks up on that and he usually knows how to make me smile. Writing and talking about things has helped too over time.
I have found support through an organization named ICAN. That stands for International Cesarean Awareness Network and they support birth choices and that c-section should not be used as an easy answer for providers and that women who don't desire them be pressured or guilted into one ( They have a local cesarean support group that meets on even numbered months. I've been to two and my feelings are not that uncommon nor am I alone. I have mixed feelings about the last meeting; I'm glad I went don't get me wrong but it sort of felt like ripping off a dry scab. The first time it felt good to tell my story and be heard and have others say "yea, I've been there too; it was awful". This time it was like I started random crying spells all over again for a week and the insomnia returned for several weeks. I will go to a few more and see how things go; I am still totally glad I found this group.
I have also decided to try medicine again. There has to be some means to an end. I emailed my Dr's office Friday and will wait to see if they will help me again. If they won't then I don't know what I will do. I don't really want to start fresh somewhere else and have to explain myself all over again.
Over time I've gained more confidence in parenting and I've learned to stand up for myself when needed. I've also learned to just not share sometimes. It's just not worth creating a situation where I have to stand up for myself but rather just keep things within our family.
One day at a time...everything is one day at a time.

This was the end of my TTC and PPD blog. I realized I needed to focus on my own parenting ideas and opinions and happy milestones with Calvin rather than harping on the past. Hence "All About Calvin" was born (no pun intended). I decided to include parts of that time period because PPD is a serious issue and often women feel they are all alone. If just one woman happens to find this post and can see that progress is possible then me sharing my dark times was worth it. Dealing with infertility is in a similar boat. Often times women can't understand why them and that they will never be mothers. Back then I was a part of an miscarriage and infertility group on Facebook and knowing I wasn't alone helped a lot. 

xoxox and tot giggles