Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Story of Chicken-Wing

Originally posted on my previous blog 1/2/2012

One year ago today...=(

So it's one year today that I lost Chicken-wing. I've been trying to distract myself with Facebook, working out, TV; I just can't forget. Those memories are forever burned into my brain. The pain..confusion..helplessness..the blood, so much blood. I'm still haunted at the thought of dropping it into the toilet like a goldfish no one cared about. I wish it had never happened, I hope and pray it NEVER happens again. Maybe I would feel different right now if I was already pregnant but I'm not and I don't. There are no happy memories to replace the bad. I wish I had my baby in my arms but it's not here...I still feel helpless right now.

In case anyone is wondering why I named it "Chicken-wing" it is because I lost too early to know a gender and I didn't want to it to be nameless as if I didn't care or already love it. About half way through December I began to insanely crave hot wings and nachos. Everyday I either wanted nachos from Race Trac or I wanted Wing Stop, Hooters or Will's famous hot wings. I couldn't get enough! 

After some thinking, I decided that "Baby Chicken-wing" was a little cuter than "Baby Nacho" Chicken-wing it was.

Tomorrow is a new day but tonight I had to get this out of my system

Jan 2, 2011....11 AM

I woke up spotting, I was several days late for my period and I had been nauseous and drained like I had never felt before that whole week. The thought had ran through my head the day know, "the thought".

"Nah, not possible, I was using Nuvaring. Besides I had just started my period, so that answers that question." Every time I went to the bathroom I checked my tampon string for moisture. Dry as a bone every time. "Ok, this is a light one this month, well the less I use means the less I gotta buy lol." Sounded good to me.

7:30 PM....

Will had been gone about an hour, he was working 7P - 7A at the time. I was sitting on the couch watching TV and these bad cramps started but simmered down and my back started aching out of nowhere. 

"Wow, this is shaping up to be a pain of a period for one that started so easy this morning."

In the midst of this up and down pain in my abdomen and back,  I started to feel damp..then wet. I moved my blanket and there was blood pooling in my jammy pants that went down past my thighs. I jumped up, it hurt to move the cramps suddenly got worse..I could feel blood trickling down my legs. There was a huge blood spot on the couch. 

"WTH?? I've never had such a bad period!"

I pulled my pants down fast as I could in the bathroom, grabbed some toilet paper and started to pull the tampon out...behind it came a HUGE lump of tissue, it fell into my was the size of my hand. I held it for a moment..stared at it.

"What is this?" Wait...wait, could it..NO NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!" This is just a very bad period."

Pain was horrible, I could feel blood gushing out of me into the toilet. I prayed. I dropped the lump into the toilet and began thinking of the mess I needed to clean. I cleaned myself, stuck in a new tampon which was now excruciating to do. Put on new jammies and began to wonder what was going to clean up all this blood on the couch. 

I texted Will and asked if he thought the pet foam cleaner would clean up blood too? He replied "I don't know and why do you need to clean blood"? Cuz, I started gushing blood for no's all over the couch and I'm hurting really bad." He called and asked what happened..I told him..."SHIT I THINK YOU ARE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE!" I began to cry, "I've got to clean before it stains, I'll call you later". 

I scrubbed till I felt like I had it all. I felt dirty all the sudden and got in the shower. I was still passing chunks in the shower and the cramps were nothing I'd ever felt. I sat down in the shower and turned the heat all the way up. When the chunks got a little smaller I decided I needed to get out. I redressed and got on the laptop and Googled "signs of miscarriage"....everything seem to match up. I took a pain pill (luckily I had some left over from surgery few months prior) and called Will and told him I agreed with him and what was still coming out of me. We decided I needed to see my GYN the next day, ER if no appointment was available.

January 3, 2011...2PM

I gave a urine sample for the nurse to do a pregnancy test. The nurse did the dip stick while I was telling my story to Dr. Alexander; she looked up and said I have a result, it's coming up positive. An overwhelming wave of sadness hit me, this is not how your first positive pregnancy test is suppose to happen. Dr. Alexander examined me, pulled some stuff out that was caught in my cervix and diagnosed the miscarriage. It took almost three months to fully clear the miscarriage. 

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