Moving On

So what’s happened happened. I’ve accepted that, may not ever understand, but I accept it. Why though, did it have to happen close to the holidays? The first visits and division of property are just awkward!

You want to hit him with frying pan but you can’t. So much insult you wish you could drop, but it wouldn’t help or change anything. Poor kid still doesn’t understand. More than anything seeing my son sad and confused hurts me the most. Mr. R was never one for good timing, I shouldn’t be surprised by this.

How do I explain this to a three year old? Hold back the frustration when a toddler asks why three and four times why life is different? When he acts out because of his own frustration and confusion, I redirect him with reminding him our Elf Doodle is watching him. It’s been kinda ok at working, sometimes Calvin remembers but just doesn’t care. Sometimes we all have days where we just don’t care. Why would a toddler be an exception?

I’ve tried to keep this time of year as much the same around here as usual, we have a tree, an Elf on the Shelf, a few lights and Christmas shows, and excitement.  I do not know what the next holiday season will be like and what will be decided upon. Just for right now, it’s the same as always. 

The Aftermath

I wish I could talk about coping with divorce or how to explain the new situations to a toddler, but I can’t. I’m still trying to figure those things out myself. It’s easy to find articles about anything, but no article seems to ever be just what I needed to hear. I’m not healing yet but I’m done trying to figure out the whys. I haven’t fully accepted some things, but I’m dealing with the situation day to day. My point is, is that there isn’t a perfect formula for this transition.

The question that has nagged at me the most is “How did we get to this point?” I thought we had a fool proof marriage, we did everything right and in the right order. First came love, then pre-marital counseling, then came marriage and then here we came with the baby carriage two years later.  We did all the right things and in the right way, how did it all go so wrong? Things definitely changed after the baby carriage rolled onto the scene. Motherhood did change me in some ways, priorities changed and PPD was a horrible awful demon for me.  I suppose all that combined does sound like a recipe for disaster.

I have to stop there, or I’ll trip and fall down the rabbit hole of asking why and how come. Then will come the endless thoughts of trying to figure out what all went wrong. Didn’t I say I was done trying to figure out all the whys? It’s so easy to slip backwards, but all the thinking and crying has made me weary.

I’m weary, yet the negotiations and agreements haven’t even begun yet. Guess I better get my rest, because there is a long road ahead.

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