Friday, December 23, 2016

A Year Full of Change...

My last post was January, 16 2016. I intended to be silent for a bit while I reigned in my emotions from my ongoing divorce. I was afraid I might say something that should remain private, or something our son would rather not read on the internet fifteen years from now. However, I did not intend to stay silent the entire year. More major changes than just a divorce was in store for my son and I.

I had leaned on the shoulder of a family friend during the initial shock of the separation...a male friend. At the end of January 2016 I discovered I was pregnant. Infertile me was pregnant! Past posts on this blog document Clomid and cycle tracking. I was in absolute disbelief, I was obviously NOT intending on this to happen.

Did I mention the partner is thirty years my senior?

After the shock, embarrassment hit. I was "old enough to know better". I was still technically married to someone else. I still didn't have a job. Plus the typical knee jerk reaction to a wide age gap is "they must be after money", not the case but that's what the majority assumes.

The partner was ecstatic, meanwhile I felt like jumping off of a bridge. My body picked a hell of a time to find the ON switch.

I had a potty trained pre-schooler, I had only planned on one child after the infertility struggle. Now I was starting over with no hand me downs from the now big brother. None the less, this was an absolute miracle....right?

To minimize the negativity, I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret for long as possible. I had even considered termination, but was not possible for several reasons. I did find a job at the end of my first trimester, and that made me feel better about preparing for baby and getting on my feet. However, it was for a small business and very low pay, but at least it was a job. At the same time, things were crumbling with the partner. Just too many generational differences.

It got ugly before it got better. He just couldn't accept it was over. I was barely covering bills, much less preparing for a baby. I was stressed, overwhelmed and off anti-depressant medication due to pregnancy. I felt trapped and stupid for the predicament I was in. The only way I could see for things to get better was if I wasn't pregnant, termination was already off the table. I began to think of adoption, I would have to suffer through this pregnancy, but at least I wouldn't have the extra mouth to feed. This might be the only way out.

I had a gap in prenatal care due to my new job and no time off. When I finally got back to the doctor I was 18 weeks. I found out that day I was having another boy, but there were problems. Potentially serious problems, I needed to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. Living in a semi rual area this meant traveling two hours to Dallas. An entire day off from a new and highly demanding job. An entire days pay, and at my hourly wage, every minute counted to make the bills.

The thought of adoption had popped in my head when separation from the partner when obvious. How would I handle two kids and barely making it? HOW?!? 

I put off making the appointment for two weeks until my Maternal21 test results came back. When I called for results I was told there technical errors and it would need to be repeated, but my quad screen showed increased risk for Down Syndrome. The next appointment I had I finally made the appointment for MFM. A few weeks later I had an amniocentesis.

I waited for ten days for results, I was told everything came back normal. This did not explain the abnormality(s) seen on sonogram, but he was "genetically normal". 

It was at that time I decided for sure I would place this baby for adoption.

To be continued...