D-Day

//The time had come, and soon my alarm would go off at 3:15am. The time I needed to get up and head to the hospital. The same hospital I was born at, and my mom had died at.

My ride arrived and off we went, even with Calvin in tow. The Couple were going to help me with him since the adoption choice had me pushed away from family, or in just plain hiding. Besides, our big boys were best buds, and they would have a blast.

They met me at the hospital, played with Calvin while I checked in. Soon enough we were in an L&D room, and I was being prepped for the OR and She was putting on sterile gear to meet me in there.

Soon enough I was on the table waiting for the spinal to take effect so the cutting could begin. She was brought into the OR to witness the birth, per my request months ago.  After months of extra fluid and pre-term labor, I was never so happy about being cut into! This time around was so much better than the emergency c-section with Calvin. Everyone was so relaxed, I knew what was about to happen, plus all my problems were about to be over and I could get on with life. 

After about ten minutes, a loud pissed off cry filled the room. There were immediate comments about "what a big boy this is", after he was placed on the weigh machine there were comments "OMG 9 pounds 6 ounces"!!!! Despite the surgical wound, my body felt so much instant relief! 

"Jones" entered the world on 9/18/16 at 8:12am.

Tears filled my eyes.....something I was not expecting to happen. What was this emotion that suddenly hit me? My problems were over, why am I emotional?? Why were there tears? 

Surgery was still in progress as I had chosen to have a tubal ligation, but laughter and ooo's and ah's suddenly feel silent as a crowd gathered around the newborn warmer. I couldn't see much through blurry eyes, anesthesia and pain medicine but the mood in the room had definitely suddenly changed. The next thing I heard was NICU and the next thing I saw was everyone running out of the OR. I had no clue what was going on, but certainly was not prepared for what was to come.

I slept hard in recovery for I don't know how long. I was barely coherent when moved to a room, but was comfortable as could be. I recall Him bringing Calvin in to see me for a few minutes, I recall Her popped in too and showing me photos of Jones.  I'm not sure how much time had passed but I'm guessing it was several hours at least before I could hold my eyes open. The NICU doctor and the Couple came in to discuss this issues for Jones being in NICU. Respiratory distress, not sure as to why though? There was more...Jones had obvious abnormalities. Large soft spot, webbed skin on his neck, the shape of his eyes, low set ears, un-descended testes, signs of a genetic abnormality the doctor said. He would be doing some research to come up with some ideas.

This just couldn't be. I had the tests done, ALL the tests plus weekly sonograms. The tests said "genetically normal", this was technology and science. How could this be wrong?? How could this be happening?? The couple though, they had said they already loved him so much. This surely didn't matter.

A few more hours later I decided I could move finally and I wanted to see the baby.  I was wheeled to the NICU by staff, I didn't even know which baby I had birthed. There was a few I thought was him, but we rolled right past, at last we stopped at a Giraffe Warmer that held a ginormous baby. They placed him in my arms, I couldn't believe this huge baby was inside my body less than twelve hours ago. I could see the abnormalities the doctor spoke of, but then I felt like I was looking at a face I had seen before. I wasn't sure who or where, but I knew this face from somewhere. After a few minutes pain was setting in and I requested to be taken back to bed. On the way back to my room I was just wrapping my head around the concept that I had just held my baby. My baby, but he had been promised to someone else. 

It suddenly hit me who's face I was seeing. My grandpa, Grandpa Hite who had passed away a year before I was born and I never got to meet. I felt like it was him looking back at me. What was the message I was supposed to be getting??

This is where I am pausing again....

The Perfect Plan

My pregnancy was rough, physically and mentally taxing. I had been having semi regular contractions for several weeks. I was chronically constipated and severely anemic. Time couldn't move fast enough to get this over with. Even more so than when pregnant with Calvin, I didn't know problems until this pregnancy.

I was placed on modified bed rest moving into July. My paycheck was suffering horribly, and I was hardly employable at any other company. At least Calvin was on his summer visit with his dad, which meant I could keep my feet up and take warm baths to soothe the contractions.

The only light at the end of this tunnel was the potential adopting couple. They would be there to take over so I could get on with my life. Continue with my life the way I had planned it, or as close to my plans as possible. My plan for an only child, I was going to start college, get a better job. This pregnancy was standing in the way of what I wanted.

I was Facebook friends with the couple and communicated regularly, the wife and I texted at least weekly. They were slowly becoming my only support due to this big secret I was carrying. Literally carrying. Family either didn't know, didn't support the decision or were indifferent and left me to my devices.

As if I didn't have enough stress on my plate, I had to pick my son up from summer visit early...three hours from home...at a CPS office. For his privacy I will not speak of any details of his ordeal.

Affording private child care was challenging to say the least. Taking him to work with me was definitely not working out.  I lost my job before it was all over with. I already felt hopeless, this was digging a hole to hell.

The weeks ticked on and D-day was approaching. First was Calvin's birthday, the whole week centered around him as the following week I would be in the hospital. My perfect plan would take place with my new lifelong friends.

This is where I will pause...

The Search Begins

I began to Google adoption agencies. It seemed the easiest route, they have bountiful families to choose from and handle all the legal mumble jumble.

I really couldn't stand the typical "being selfless and brave" bit that's so common in the adoption industry. I wasn't doing this out of bravery, but to fix a big screw up and allow this baby boy to have better. It's desperation, not bravery and a horrid feeling to feel.

I found one that seemed less religious and straight forward. A big nation agency called Gladney, I called and would be getting the intake packet in a few days. It came in the middle of the week, and I had planned to fill it out over the weekend. It must've been three inches thick!

As the weekend approached, I decided to run the agency by a local mom group on Facebook to see if anyone knew anything. Good or bad, I wanted to know before I got knee deep with them. Instead, I got a private message from a friend of a friend, who has a friend that had just announced they were looking and ready to adopt. I looked at their summarized profile and decided I wanted to see their whole profile and talk to them. She put us in touch.

We chatted some through Facebook, then the next day we spent over an hour talking on the phone. We had similar backgrounds, had boys the same age, similar parenting styles and likes and interests. I told them of the suspected problems with the pregnancy but all tests came back clear, and they were ok with it. I wanted to meet them in person.

A few weeks later we met over lunch with my godmother and Calvin in tow, our boys hit it off beautiful. My godmother liked them and so did I. We talked about an open adoption, I convinced myself that Calvin was not losing a brother but gaining another. It sounds so cute when said that way.

I was given a book by the agency called Sam's Sister to help Calvin understand adoption. I could not get through that book without crying. Never! I had my godmother read it to him instead, and I still had to leave the room. I despised this pregnancy so much, I couldn't figure out why I cried.

This is where I will pause for now..