Sunday, July 7, 2013

10 Rules for Dating My Teenage Son

Ok, so he's only 9 months old and we've got a ways to go till we cross this bridge. Today this article....if it can be called that...popped up in my news feed on Facebook.

10 Rules for Dating my Daughter. I have seen so many mommy blogs with similar titles and similar requirements over the last year and half. They start off with a similar paragraph; "my little princess is only two but I dread they day she is no longer a baby and brings home the first boy", or something like that. HA! Much like this post just started. Well here is my rebuttal and two cents...

1. No means NO!! Calvin has been taught since now, his infant hood that some things are "no-no's" and there are places his little hands don't go. Right now it's the cleaning products under the sink and mommy's photo frames on the end table. One day when the time is right he will be taught about girly parts and alcohol and other dangerous fun that isn't so fun when things go wrong. When he tells you NO, don't nag him, don't whine and cry, He has our permission to leave you on the side of the road or a parking lot to get himself out of a potentially bad situation that you are trying to drag him into.

2. An open door means an OPEN door! Literally and metaphorically. It means no barely cracked doors while you crawl under a blanket with him so the creek of the door gives you enough time to jump out of the blanket. It means wide open like the Sierra Desert plains which takes away your five second lead way. It also means we are open parents who are not afraid of anything Calvin needs to say or needs guidance on. His parents combined have years of bad choices to pull from and we know where things can lead and how they turn out. We don't want this for our son.   Your teenage sweet nothings are not a secret, and any influence you try to have over him to steer him from what we have taught him will be noticed and dealt with.

3. Condoms are not optional...IF there is any sex at all! Calvin is not your meal ticket! We will teach him first and foremost about waiting until marriage. God's design for marriage. What real love and a stable relationship looks like. We will teach him about life goals and education so he can one day provide for a family. However, if when he is old enough to leave the house on his own and he decides sex can't wait he will have been thoroughly taught what pregnancy costs, what preparing for a baby costs, what labor and delivery costs, what daycare costs, what time lost from work because the baby is sick costs. What diapers and wipes and breast pumps and formula costs. Oh yea, and what child birth looks like; like National Geographic wide open vag stretched ten ways from Sunday or the bloody mess an emergency c-section looks like. Then his dad will teach him how to properly and correctly roll a condom on and make sure there is always "emergency" cash in his wallet for a Trojan 3 pack. I'm confident that Walmart and CVS will still be open 24 hours a day eighteen years from now.

4. There is a such a thing as too much PDA. I know when there is new love in the air all you want to do is touch each other. That touching should be limited to holding hands, a hug and a kiss on the cheek. If caught sucking face, Calvin will be in trouble and I'm telling your parents!

5. Keep your fingers out of his belt loops. I'm talking about the girls who walk around the mall with their fingers intertwined in the boy's belt loops as if the boys are puppy dogs they need to keep on leashes. Calvin is not your property.  He is my Baby Bear, my little Monster NOT your puppy dog! Until the day he is completely out of our house and wallets and living on his own he will continue to be my Baby Bear. Don't let Mama Bear catch you doing this!

6. Don't obsessively call and text. Ya'll aren't grown up, you aren't his wife and you don't own him! We pay for that phone that you are blowing up and I WILL take it away and answer it. I will change the number if I have to and I will save all the evidence and send it to your parents. Don't underestimate my investigation abilities. Take a line from Miranda Lambert and "Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady". On the flip side of the coin I will find out if Calvin is leading you on and I will nip that in the bud just as fast! His wrath will not be fun or pretty.

7. Don't break curfew. This is pretty straight forward. It's each of your having respect for the parents involved.  Going out and having fun is a privilege that can be taken away.

8. Don't lie. Don't stretch the truth. Don't be a drama queen.  I will catch you. I might be an old mom, but I'm exactly that. Older, wiser, been there done that and your type is not a new concept. Don't lie to Calvin, don't lie to us, don't like to your parents. If you just tell the truth you won't have to have a good memory later.

9. He's smart. Get over it. The second day we were home from the hospital we popped in a Baby Einstein DVD in hopes of boosting his brain cell growth. I guess it worked because he crawled at 5 1/2 months and was walking with assistance at 9 months. There are too many other numerous milestones he hit early to list. We've worked hard his whole life to help him reach is full potential. We are not going to stand by and let you convince him he is sub-par in any way.

10. He's comfortable in his skin. Let's keep it that way. If you aren't attracted to all of my son, and you want to pick apart his biceps, hair style or his clothes or his life goals or anything in between......hit the road Jezebel and don't you dare come back! He doesn't need you tearing down his self esteem.

Got it? Good. You won't be met at the door by a mama with a shot gun pointed at your face. Maybe...

XOXO...and a little bit of drool

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