Saturday, June 6, 2015

Ignored Tragedy of Miscarriage

TRIGGER WARNING – sensitive topics ahead.

This will be possibly my edgiest post to date and maybe ever. I’m going to talk about elective abortion and miscarriage along with other types of pregnancy loss. If these topics are touchy to you now is the time to turn away.


Elective abortion has long been a debated topic since Roe vs. Wade in 1973. Often called murder and a tragic loss of life by those who oppose elective abortion.  There is a wide variety of opinion around the procedure. Regardless of where one’s opinion lies on the spectrum, most I’ve encountered will call it a tragedy. Tragedy that the woman had to make a choice between her life and the life inside of her. Tragedy that the baby had chromosomal condition incompatible with life, or that the baby was simply unwanted when there are so many that would have adopted the baby.

 What in the world does any of that have to do with miscarriage or stillbirth?

Well here’s what, when news of a pregnancy loss is broadcast often the responses are of unsympathetic nature.

“It just wasn’t your time yet”

“God had other plans”

 “You can try again soon for another one”

“Don’t worry, it’s an angel now and looking down on you”

“It wasn’t meant to be”

Anything other than “I’m sorry, my deepest sympathy” is nothing but salt and a stab in a wound; whether it be fresh or scared. I do realize a few of those responses are well meaning but to the grieving mother it just isn’t received that way, and I say this coming from a Christian point of view. 

After my miscarriage I just couldn’t understand why God would do this, to me or to anyone.  I did accept it after some time but when my infertility condition was discovered around nine to ten months later my feelings changed. My pregnancy was somewhat of a miracle and not easily accomplished without medical help. Ok, so God gave me a miracle when I wasn’t even asking, and then took it away.  I then became angry with God, I mean what is the point of taking away a miracle? Why..why…WHY!?!

I took a few months to cool down as more definitive tests were done and my doctor and I formulated a plan. I was letting this grief take a hold of both my spiritual and physical life. Being mad at God wasn’t going to bring my baby back. All I could do was let go of the anger that was controlling me and making me bitter and trust that there was a master plan for my husband and I. One round of a fertility drug called Clomid and I was pregnant with Calvin our Rainbow. This was a full year after my miscarriage, even if I had not became pregnant on that first cycle I was much more peaceful about the topic than I had ever been. It could’ve been months if not years before there was success and I was prepared for that. This was just something going on in my life, not my whole life.

It takes time to accept that there is a master plan or that you will see your baby again in heaven. Babies lost through miscarriage and stillbirth are tragedies too! Would you say “oh she just wasn’t meant to live any longer” to someone who’s just buried their mother? Likely not, so don’t say it to a women who’s just lost her baby, no matter how early she was in gestation. If that same baby had been lost via elective abortion it would have been such a “tragic loss of life”, but a natural miscarriage is just swept under a rug as if that baby had no value. That was someone’s baby who meant the whole world to them, whom they might have been waiting a long time for and now that women has empty arms. Pregnancy isn’t a $5 Black Jack bet where the loss is minimal, and only stings for a minute then you’re hitting it again hoping for the jackpot. Grief takes time, the body takes time to heal.

Believe me when I say I had a pretty tragic experience hemorrhaging all over the toilet then the bathtub where I laid for some time until I felt like I could crawl out and call my husband. Miscarriage is often just as excoriating and/or violent as full term labor; plus you lose your baby and are left standing with empty arms.

Please, be gentle…be kind and think before you speak. All babies lost are tragic.
God bless.

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